From Beginning to End

Chapter 18

AN: sorry it has taken me so long! This semester was killer, but it's over nowww! :) Enjoy!

I didn't sleep at all that night. I simply stared up at the dark ceiling, eyes achingly dry. I wasn't sure if I wanted to cry or scream.

I was afraid. Oh, God I was so scared. I could never admit that to Jake, but all I could think about was walking into that clinic alone and having that procedure done. What if it didn't go well? What if I ended up never able to have kids because I chose to do this? From what I read when I researched the abortion techniques that they used, those things weren't likely to happen but just the fact that they were listed as potential side effects made my heart pound.

I was also afraid that I would do this now and then look back and realize that I made a huge mistake. Granted, it was a decision we made together, but was possible. And if I did end up scarred forever by the possible side effects I wouldn't forgive myself.

The tugging I felt in my chest every time I thought about what was going to happen the next day was painful. I knew it was my heart, crying, begging, pleading with me to see this through and have the baby. I knew it was that tiny little romantic part of me that still cherished the idea behind giving birth in the first place.

Whenever I thought of having a baby, I pictured myself with a husband. To me, there was no better gift you could give to a man than to bear his child. You've shared everything else in the world. But a baby…that's a piece of him. That's a piece of both of you, a representation of the deep, undying love you share sent up to the cosmos and reflected back to you in the form of a living, breathing miracle.

As I breathed in shakily, an image began to piece itself together in front of my eyes. I could still see it; us together. I could picture how he would breathe with me when I went into labor, how his reassuring grip tight on my hand would be the only thing tethering me to the world when the pain became too much to bear. I knew he would never leave my side no matter what. And I knew that once I was exhausted and our child was out of me, he would wipe the sweat off of my brow and kiss my cheek, laughing with amazement at whatever it was that allowed me to do such a crazy thing in the first place. And in that moment, maybe he would be able to believe that a love between us was possible, just as me nourishing our child for nine months within my own body was possible. Neither of us would understand how it had happened, but that was the beauty of it.

Those things that are impossible to understand are what make up the basis of human nature. It's what keeps us functioning, and it would have been what kept him and me together even after our son or daughter was old enough to take care of themselves and we were alone in whatever home we built together over the years.

But it wasn't meant to be. Both of us came to that conclusion together. I turned restlessly on my side, erasing the fantasy from my mind. It was for the better. I was almost positive; even though I was still afraid. It was my body that would be invaded. My uterus that would be scraped clean of any traces of what Jake and I could have shared.

Part of me, the rational part knew that this was the right decision. I wanted to go to college. I wanted to be so much more than a teen mom. And sure, classes online were an option and maybe I could get away with that for a few months. But after I gave birth, I would end up so overwhelmed. I would keep trying to keep up, but soon I would fall behind and then get immersed in the world of motherhood. I couldn't let that happen.

I was only eighteen. I wasn't ready to be a mom. It was a world I didn't have to be a part of. No, this abortion was the right choice. My mind knew that. The rational parts of me knew it. But I couldn't help the tugging of my heart every time I thought about the fact that by this time tomorrow, I would be just Crystal again, not Crystal and Baby.