Break In My Heart

24. Mistakes

I sat criss-cross on my fathers' bed with a cup of ice cream in my hands. Sometime between the time I called Papa and when we got home, Padre had run to the corner store and picked me up all of the necessary ingredients to create my perfect bowl of ice cream: chocolate ice cream, gummy worms, whipped cream, and cherries. However, despite how tempting the frozen treat usually was, it remained untouched as it slowly melted in my lap.

The idea of eating anything at a time like this was blasphemous in my mind.

Papa and Padre were sitting across from me on the bed, and though they hadn't tried to force me to talk, I could practically feel their worry rolling off of them in waves as they watched me, trying to dissect the meanings behind my movements, or lack thereof.

My stomach clenched and twisted as Tyler's scent danced around me. I subconsciously hugged myself, causing his sweatshirt I was wearing to move closer to my body. Conflict moved within me seeing that the scent that usually brought me so much serenity and serotonin was now the source of all of my grief. Tears pooled in my eyes again but I quickly blinked them away.

My brain tried to rewind the tape of all of Tyler and I's best moments together, but I harshly stopped it, being so familiar with the plot that I could recite it in my sleep. It was just too painful.

"Addison, baby, please talk to us," Padre softly said as he gently put a hand on my knee, causing me to jump a bit before I brought my eyes up to meet his. "We're worried about you."

"You scared me on the phone, son. You've been scaring me all week, actually. Both of us," Papa admitted.

"We don't want to force you, but you need to tell us what has you so bent out of shape. I mean, you've just started eating regularly after not doing so for almost a week, the same thing applies to talking, and don't think we haven't noticed how tired you've been. Have you been sleeping?" Silence was Padre's response. He sighed. "Lord, Addison, what's going on?"

Too much, I thought.

They'll judge you. They'll blame you for everything. Save yourself the pain, lie yourself out of it. A voice within me said, harsh and threatening. What could they do anyway? You'd just be making things worse by freaking them out.

No, tell them. They deserve to know, and you never know how they can help until you tell them, another voice said, however, instead of feeling dark and heavy, it felt familiar as if Tyler were sitting next to me holding my hand through the darkness.

I sighed and made a move to put my bowl on the nightstand, but my hands were shaking too harshly. Papa took the bowl from me and set it down for me before I felt two pairs of eyes looking at me expectantly.

"Tyler and I broke up," I said, my voice weak and tired.

A look that mirrored that of relief flashed across my fathers' faces, though not because I broke up with Tyler but rather because they perceived that nothing more serious was afoot. "I'm so sorry, Addi," Papa said as he wrapped his arms around me. "I know how much you liked him."

"It'll all be okay. I know it's not what you want to hear, but maybe it's for the best," Padre added as he rubbed my arm in a comforting manner.

I shook my head. "No, it's not. We broke up because of me. I was being stupid and I wasn't telling the truth and in turn, I put him in danger. He hates me."

Papa shook his head. "Addi, don't be so hard on yourself. I'm sure what you did wasn't as bad as you make it out to be."

"It's worse." Tears welled up in my eyes. "Dad, I...I love him. I love him the way you said you love Padre. And...And I outed him."