Saudade

Fifteen. A Shoulder to Lean On

"So how's your cat?"

I looked up from my very tattered copy of Little Women I was intently reading and into the brown eyes of Alex. He took the vacant seat next to me at the Quad table I was seated at. I scrunched my eyebrows in confusion and tilted my head slightly.

"My cat...?"

"The electronic one you had to go feed last night?" He grinned, setting the coffee he was holding down on the table.

"Ohhh," I offered him a small giggle as I shut my book. "Unfortunately, I did not get to him in time."

"Oh, no..."

"Yeah," I nodded with a sigh. "He'll be missed and I'll carry the memory of him around forever."

He chuckled as he took a sip of his drink and pointed to my book. "Nice choice."

"It's my favorite book of all time," I patted the book lovingly. "Jo March really and truly speaks to my soul."

"I would figure as much," he smiled, picking up the book and looking over the cover. "I'm more of a Lord of the Flies guy myself as far as classic novels go."

"I would figure as much," I raised my eyebrows. I tried for a smile, but it faltered after only a moment of being on my face.

Today wasn't a good day.

Something wasn't sitting right in me about my last encounter with Derrick. The more I thought about Derrick forcing himself on top of me when I very clearly had said no multiple times the more upset I was getting.

I had tried rationalizing his actions for the remainder of the night after he had left me. It wasn't like he raped me. He hadn't been viciously violent. He was my boyfriend. We hadn't had sex in a while. He just wanted to be with me like any boyfriend would want to be with their girlfriend. My body responded to the sex just as it would with any other sexual encounter.

But instead of feeling better from my list of valid reasons I just felt shitter than before I had started making it. So shitty that I got maybe an hour of sleep before getting ready for the rest of the day. So shitty that I wasn't in the mood for my much needed regular cup of black coffee. So shitty that I had skipped breakfast with Liam and every class I had and decided to do some comfort reading under the hot Sun hoping to shake the really bad feeling that had been building up in my chest.

"Are you okay?" Alex asked, leaning in closer as concern began to make its way on his face.

I nodded even though I felt like getting up on the table and screaming to everyone how not okay I was.

"Then why are you crying?"

It was when I blinked in confusion that I felt the tears rolling down my cheeks. I brought my hand up to my face and wiped them away quickly, which proved to just be a waste of time as new tears were quick to replace the ones I had swiped off my face.

"Sorry," my voice broke and I paused to gather myself. "Sorry I just...I..."

"What's going on?" He ran his hand down my back comfortingly. "What's wrong?"

"It's nothing," I sniffed, shaking my head and continued to wipe my tears away. "Nothing."

"People don't cry over nothing," he paused, looking at me carefully. "Is it Derrick?"

I shifted in my seat and stared intently at my hands that were now resting in my lap.

"Why would you think this has anything to do with Derrick?" I asked the shakiness of my voice ruined the innocent tone I was trying to pull.