Saudade

Fourteen. Just a Bunch of Crap

"So how's campus life?" Demi asked, her legs bouncing as she peered over her large coffee cup with wide, green eyes.

I smiled a little at Demi's childlike excitement she always seemed to carry herself with. Her happiness had always been so contagious, and I had definitely missed the way it could so easily cause my mood to soar.

As I sat across the table from both her and Aidan at my favorite cafe, the realization that I missed them far more than I had thought I did hit me like a ton of bricks.

College was fun, it was really fun, and I was definitely enjoying my freedom after spending eighteen years under the watchful eye of my far too protective brother. All the fun and independence, however, didn't really do much to combat the homesickness that had become a constant feeling in the pit of my stomach. The feeling wasn't quite big enough to really effect me on a day to day basis, but it was enough that it didn't go unnoticeable.

"It's great," I nodded, biting into a bagel. "Yeah, there's lots to do on campus and I've made some great friends and-"

"And your studies are going well?" Aidan interjected, giving me a piercing look.

"Actually, I'm failing every class," I said with a straight face. "I might not make it to next semester if I'm being completely honest."

"You aren't funny, Brie," he rolled his eyes.

I giggled and grabbed a knife to add another layer of peanut butter to my bagel.

"Oh, Brie that's disgusting," Demi sighed, wrinkling her nose. "Please tell me what the purpose of cream cheese and peanut butter is on a bagel? That can't taste right."

"It tastes perfect," I took a large bite out of the bagel and proceeded to talk with my mouth full. "What's it like living with boring tastebuds?"

"It feels great actually," she laughed, popping a strawberry from her bowl of fruits in her mouth. "Hey, why didn't Derrick come along?"

"Yeah," Aidan nodded, casually wrapping an arm around Demi's shoulders as he leaned back against his seat. "We haven't seen him in a while."

I felt my smile falter at the mention of my boyfriend's name, and it honestly took me a moment to get myself back together.

It had been a week since Derrick had slapped me, and for the week it felt like I was constantly walking on eggshells around him. It was hard to be anything other than a reserved version of myself whenever he was near when I could still feel the impact of his hand on my cheek. I really didn't want to make him any more upset then I had, and spent the last six days trying to make it up to him by being as pleasant and cooperative as I possibly could.

It had seemed to work, and the violent anger that had flashed in his eyes last Saturday hadn't made a reappearance, but the relief I was hoping would soothe a sudden very bad cause of anxiety never came. In fact, his own pleasantness was making me even more nervous. I really couldn't remember the last time he had been so...nice to me.

A depressing thought if I really took the time to think about, which I tried not to. I wondered what it would be like to be in a relationship as perfect as Demi and Aidan's, and it was perfect. Sure they fought, a lot, but the love they had for each other was so pure and genuine and shined through in ever look, touch, and kiss they shared.

They complimented each other so well, it even had me, someone who wrote off such things to be nothing more than fairytales people told themselves to make themselves feel important, believing in destiny and soulmates.

Because you couldn't witness Demi and Aidan and not believe in two hearts and souls completing each other. You just couldn't. Maybe if I was a better girlfriend I could have that with Derrick. I really needed to try and make an effort to be better.