Saudade

Five. An Undecided Start

"I did it again," I sighed, drawing my knees closer to my chest so I could rest my chin on them.

"By did it again, you mean-"

"Had sex with someone else," I finished, my eyes flickered up from the spot on the carpet I had been staring at to peer at my therapist. "Yeah."

The bony middle aged woman nodded slowly. She sat in the seat across from me with her legs crossed and her fingers twirling her red pen. Her auburn hair was pulled back in its usual neat bun, and the warm brown eyes that studied me held no judgement in them. The look was one that had become very familiar. One that I had only recently come around to not finding completely distasteful as well as these sessions.

It was during the fourth grade that Aidan had decided I needed to have weekly sessions with a shrink. Apparently, I needed to speak with a third party to help "work through any repressed feelings I might have about what was once our family situation".

A total load of crap, mind you. I was in no way damaged nor did I carry any repressed feelings about our former situation seeing as I could barely remember that portion of my life. If anybody should be in therapy for family issues, it should be my brother. Aidan was the one who had been burned the worst by such events.

When I attempted to point that out he ignored me, as he usually did when it came to the decisions about my life, and pushed me into therapy.

At first, I hated it. Like, really hated it. It made me feel not only crazy, but uncomfortable as well. I mean, any normal person who was pushed to spill their personal information to a complete stranger would be.

Eventually, I warmed up to the whole thing, and Brenda became a shoulder to lean on. Someone I could unload every single thought I had to. The stranger aspect that had once turned me off began to appeal to me. A stranger wasn't so inclined to judge as harshly as someone who was close to you. Like an overbearing older brother.

"When?" Brenda asked, drawing my attention back to her.

"Last night at a party."

She tilted her head. "Don't you hate parties?"

"I was...somewhat forced. I made a new friend, Liam, and he convinced me that it would fun," I paused. "And it was. I had a good time with him and Derrick-"

"Derrick was with you last night?" Her eyebrows arched. "While you...?"

"Mhmm," I took in the look on her face and smiled a little, rubbing her forehead. "I know, it's kind of tasteless."

"I wasn't judging you," she held up her hands as if in surrender.

"Yes you were, you're just really good at hiding it."

She smiled a little and crossed her legs, leaning back in her seat. "Did you know this guy you had sex with?"

"Nope. I mean, I met him earlier that day, but never before that, and I don't expect I'll see him again anytime soon," I shifted on the couch and crossed my legs Indian style. "Which is what made the whole thing that much more appealing."

"Yes, I've noticed that you like the whole no strings attached thing."

"Yeah, it's easier to discard them when I'm done," I replied honestly. "It sounds harsh, but I don't like it when people stick around. It makes me uncomfortable," I tilted my head. "That's probably why I don't have a lot of friends. That, and I'm weird."

"How many times do I have to tell you," Brenda sighed. "You aren't weird, you're just-"

"Different," I nodded. "Right."