I Would Hate To Be You

Chapter 42 [i would hate to be you]

Trigger warning:

The narrative and conversations may contain scenes that carry too much sadness, pain and agony. A hint of depression is here, too, and a mention of the word suicide (but as an expression of what the character feels, not as an action).

This is a heavy chapter. If at any point, you feel burdened, please stop reading. Come back whenever you're ready.

Chapter 42

My lips parted as tears slowly rushed down from my cheeks.

I'm sorry, I can't.

Those words kept on echoing in my head like I'm having a nightmare.

It only took four words to steal away every good memory we made in this place.

Because right now, it feels like someone's crushing my heart and it's so, so painful I could die.

Akala ko no'ng nakita ko si Kuya Boaz na nag-propose kay Ate Asia, 'yun na ang pinakamasakit na puwedeng mangyari sa'kin. Hindi pala. Mali ako. Mas masakit pala marinig ang apat na mga salitang 'yun mula kay Japheth.

"What do you mean you can't?" I asked in pain while looking at him.

I waited for an answer. But he just stared at me without saying anything.

Masakit man, matatanggap ko naman kung sasabihin niya sa'kin na hindi. Pero ano ang ibig niyang sabihin sa I'm sorry, I can't? Hindi niya ako pwedeng magustuhan? Gano'n ba?

Gulung-gulo na ang utak ko pati ang puso ko. Pakiramdam ko ay nasa gitna ako ng dagat at unti-unti akong nalulunod.

Taliwas sa naramdaman ko kaninang umaga. Kanina ay sobrang saya lang namin, pero ngayon . . . wala na yatang mas sasakit pa sa nararamdaman ko. Bakit naman ganito sa'kin ang mundo? Ano ba ang nagawa ko para saktan ako nang sobra sobra? Bakit . . . parang kasalanan ang maging masaya?

Hindi ba't kagagaling ko lang naman sa sakit? Masyado bang selfish hilingin na sana kahit isang araw maging masaya lang? Ng walang kapalit?

"Japh . . ." umiiyak na tawag ko sa pangalan niya. Even the mention of his name is breaking my heart. My sobs became even more painful. "Anong ibig mong sabihin? My question is answerable with yes or no. Why would you tell me that you can't?" nanginginig na tanong ko sa kaniya. My eyes are blurry and I couldn't see the details of his face because of the tears.

Japheth exhaled heavily while looking away. Tumingala siya at napapikit.

Humihikbi kong pinunasan ang mga luha ko. "Please . . . tell me. I don't understand," I begged him while crying. Suminghap ako at pinilit na pigilan ang sarili ko sa muling pag-iyak. Pero traydor ang mga luha ko at patuloy pa rin sila sa pagpatak na para bang may sarili silang buhay.

He slowly shifted his eyes to me and looked at me sorrowfully. His lips parted and he was about to say something, but he hesitated.

My chest tightened and I couldn't breathe because of it.

Finally, he reached out for my hand and he snatched his wallet out of my grip. I didn't have the strength to stop him because I feel too weak. I've lost my strength. This pain is eating me alive.

After putting it inside his pocket, he held my hand and said, "Let's go home, Atom."

God, his touch has never felt this painful.

It's almost as if he's wounding me even further. And I couldn't stop myself from bleeding.

Agad kong inalis ang hawak niya mula sa kamay ko. "No. We're not going home until you tell me," I insisted sharply while shaking my head.