Just Close Enough to Burn (station 19)

For Whom the Bell Tolls

Dear Diary,

Vic has been crashing at our place for a few days now. We set her up in Maya's room (Maya insisted on it because her room has the most natural light and she thought it might help) so Maya's been crashing in my room. Things are still really weird between her and Andy. Honestly I think Vic being here is the only reason Andy has been home at all. Anyway, this morning we got up early to make breakfast for Vic. She had barely come out of the room and definitely needed food.

When we walked in, we saw that Vic had already left. We didn't know where she went, so we texted her, thinking that she might not want to actually talk if we called. Maya then tried to ask Andy if they should talk at some point, but Andy avoided it saying they should just focus on Vic and walked out of the room. Maya looked so defeated and turned to ask me if Andy was ever going to forgive her. I reassured her that Andy would come around. She's just stubborn, and Maya knew that, so she takes a while. I reminded her that their friendship is strong and they would be okay. Then I grabbed a piece of toast off the plate and headed back out to the kitchen. Hey if Vic wasn't there to eat it, I didn't want it to go to waste haha.

Everyone else had a shift before the funeral, so Maya and Andy got ready and headed off to work. I wasn't on call today so I took the morning to run a few errands to get things ready for the funeral and clean the house in case Vic came back. As I was getting things together, Andy texted me to say that Vic came in for the shift and seemed weirdly normal, or at least she wanted to pretend things were normal. Then she said that Vic wasn't going to the funeral. Everyone was trying to convince her that she needed to go, and as much as I didn't want to tell Vic how to grieve, I agreed. As hard and sad and painful as funerals can be, I also know how important they are... god knows I've been to my fair share.

When I finished cleaning I decided to head into the station. Even if I wasn't working, I wanted to be with everyone. Jack stopped me the second I walked in, saying he was really glad I was there. Confused, I asked him why. He said that Maya had been crying pretty much all day and wouldn't talk to him or anyone else about it (or even acknowledge that it was happening), and he wanted me to try to talk to her. He said that she "acts like a person" with me. I laughed knowing exactly what he meant. Maya puts walls up a mile high and covers them with barbed wire, but for whatever reason, she tends to put her guard down a little with me. I told Jack I'd talk to her and patted his arm as I headed upstairs to find her.

Mattie walked into the locker room and found Maya getting her uniform ready for the funeral.

"Hey. When did you get here?" Maya asked, realizing it was Mattie who had walked in.

"Less than a minute ago," Mattie laughed. "Jack asked me to come talk to you. He's worried about you."

"I'm fine," Maya said as she wiped away a tear.

Mattie just looked at her, waiting for her to be honest.

Maya sighed, "Okay, maybe I'm not fine... but whatever. I will be."

"Well, yeah, I know that." Mattie said as she walked over and leaned against the locker next to Maya. "but are these Ripley tears or Andy tears?"

Maya looked up at her but didn't say anything.

"Or both?" Mattie asked.

Maya nodded as she tried even harder not to cry. Mattie sat down on a bench near the lockers and gestured for Maya to join her.

"Look, no one is okay today. You don't have to pretend that you are. Stuffing it all down and pretending it's not there is only going to make it worse. It's okay to let yourself feel it and sit with it and just be sad about it for a while."

Maya didn't say a word, but leaned over and put her head on Mattie's shoulder.

"And I know not being able to talk to Andy about it is only making things worse," Mattie said, putting an arm around Maya as she started to cry again. "But until she comes around, just remember I'm here for you too."

After our chat, Maya was able to pull herself together for most of the day. At one point she started crying again and Jack got annoyed, and then Dean called them sea anemones. It was a strange analogy, but it kinda worked haha and I think it actually helped them both better understand their relationship.

Later on, we were all getting ready for the funeral, making sure that every part of our uniforms were perfect. Travis tried one last time to convince Vic to go, but she just yelled at him and asserted that she wasn't going. As I was getting ready, I got a text from Schmitt. He said that he went to the flower shop and bought the same bouquet that Ripley got for Vic the day he died. He wanted to bring them to her, but was worried that it would be weird, so he wanted to ask me if he should. I told him I thought that would actually be perfect. And it ended up being exactly the thing she needed to remember how much he loved her and to convince her to go to the service.

Maya, Andy, and I helped Vic get ready before heading to the funeral. The procession was long, and crowded, and beautiful, and heart breaking. The rest of the 19 team was walking with the engine, so I watched with Pruitt and Ryan. We met up with Andy as we walked in and I was stunned to see her sit next to Maya. I sat with Pruitt right behind them and was so glad to hear them make up.

The service itself was beautiful. Sullivan gave an honest and touching eulogy and looking over, I could see it meant a lot to Vic. It's a really good thing she was there. Finally, it was time for the bells. I think that's the most difficult and magical part of the whole service. They signify that the fallen firefighter has finished their last shift and is going home. I know how hard that part of the service is for Andy; it always seems to remind her of her mom. So when Travis went up to ring the bell, I leaned forward and put a hand on Andy's shoulder. She immediately reached up and grabbed my hand, holding on so tight I thought my fingers were going to break. But at the end of the day, we all made it through.

After the funeral, everyone headed out to get a drink and make a toast to Ripley, well... everyone but Vic. We all told our best/favorite Ripley stories and it was a nice and happier way to end the day and celebrate his life. It was also really nice to hang out with Andy and Maya again now that they aren't fighting anymore. As we were drinking, Andy mentioned that Ryan had thought she and Sullivan were together. She said he saw them holding hands at the hospital and thought he saw a spark there. Maya and I smirked at each other and told Andy that we saw it too. Andy tried to convince us that she definitely didn't feel that way about him, but Maya asked if she was sure and she just fell silent. I can't imagine how or why Andy would actually be into Sullivan, but I also know that she definitely is. No idea how this is going to go.... But it should be an interesting ride.

-Mattie