Just Close Enough to Burn (station 19)

Cold as Ice

Dear Diary,

I had a really tough night. I didn't really sleep so I got up early, picked up coffee and breakfast sandwiches and headed to Andy's before her shift started and I had to leave for school. She was surprised to see me at her door at 6:30 in the morning but actually seemed glad. We sat on the porch and talked while we had breakfast. I asked about the exam and she told me all about it. She talked about the sexist pig that called her 'hun', the reckless lieutenant that made dangerous calls because she wanted a fast time, and how Jack impressed Chief Ripley by figuring out that there was no dummy. She went on for 20 minutes before she noticed that I was only half paying attention.

"Mattie?"

Mattie's attention snapped back into focus. "Oh sorry. You were saying something about Ripley?" She felt bad about not paying attention to her friend but she really was trying.

"Okay what's going on with you?" Andy asked. "You've been out of it all morning."

"I had sort of a rough night," Mattie said slowly. Andy gave her a look asking her to elaborate so Mattie went on. "I was talking to Connor last night and well we had always planned that when we graduated he would join me wherever I ended up for med school. He's a teacher, he can do that anywhere. And we've made long distance work for 4 years but honestly it's been really hard. Anyway he called me last night to say that he doesn't want to come back to Seattle. And we fought for a while about everything. I was upset that he was going against our plan and he was upset that I'm back in Seattle. He was claiming that I'm too afraid to leave but that's not even true! This med school was just the best fit for me and a top 20 school! And then he said that he was tired of long distance and I said that I was tired of fighting and he told me that was fine cause there was nothing left to fight for and hung up. So um yeah it wasn't the best night." She rambled on until she couldn't talk anymore without the risk of crying.

"Oh my god Mattie" Andy responded as she wrapped her friend in a hug. Mattie melted into the embrace before pulling away in an effort to keep her composure. "I'm really sorry Matt; you know I'm here if you need anything right?"

"Yeah I know. Thanks. It honestly just doesn't feel real. We were together for 6 years it's just gonna be so strange to not have him in my life ya know?" Mattie tried to explain.

"Yeah I know what you mean" Andy said as her eyes trailed over towards Ryan's house.

After breakfast I had to rush to get to class on time. I managed to stay focused through Anatomy and Biostat, got lunch with Grace and Jamie again (we tried a mexican food truck this time), and got through most of Intro to Clinical okay. Then I saw 4 missed calls from Meredith and a text telling me to get to the hospital asap, something had happened to April. My blood ran cold and I counted down the seconds before I could run out of class. I sped the whole way (and am honestly pretty lucky that I didn't get pulled over), barely parked in the lines of my spot, and sprinted through the hospital to the ER. They told me they had taken her up to the OR already, so I raced to the gallery and anxiously watched as Maggie put April on ecmo. She looked so weak and so blue and I felt so helpless watching as everyone worked to save her.

I felt helpless until Owen reminded everyone that she would want us to pray for her. I don't think I had ever prayed before in my life but by god (no pun intended) I got down on my knees, folded my hands, and prayed to a God that I don't even think is there. I kept praying until Maggie miraculously got a rhythm. I couldn't believe that she was really alive. It had been almost 4 hours without a heartbeat but she managed to survive and if that's not a miracle, I don't know what is.

I waited in her room for hours. It got later and later and we all just paced and sat and waited and prayed. Jackson refused to leave her side and the rest of us took shifts. When I wasn't sitting in April's room, I was with Arizona, who informed everyone that April and Matthew were back together. She's April's best friend and was obviously taking it really hard. At one point she broke down at the nurses station so I took her to get a cup of tea; I find that a warm cup of chamomile can make almost anything at least a little better.

As the hours passed I got more and more worried that she would never wake up. My thoughts spiralled, thinking about Harriet growing up without her mother, Matthew losing another woman he loves, and the hospital struggling to move on without her. But eventually, against all odds, April woke up. She was alert, responsive, and completely herself. We all stayed for a little while and talked with her before letting her rest. I held her hand and admitted that I had prayed for her. We've talked about religion before, she knows I don't believe in any higher power (although she does not understand how), and she told me that was more proof that she was right all along. I'm not sure if I'm convinced, but I'm definitely grateful that whatever forces were at work today were able to save her.

I finally got home around midnight, climbed into bed, and suddenly felt the weight of the entire day. Everything with Connor and everything with April came crashing down on me and I realized for the first time that I had managed to not cry all day. Once I noticed, it didn't really last. So I'm sorry if I'm getting tears on the pages now haha. Well, with that I think I'm just going to go to bed. I have another day of classes ahead of me that starts in... 6 hours.

-Mattie