Another poem book because I have learned how to write not as shitty poems

Joy Has Such A Musical Ring

I feel the things that bring us joy are also the things that bring the greatest sorrow. Sometimes we have to let things go, or they hurt us so much, or sometimes the things that used to make us the happiest just don't anymore. I'm quite a pessimistic thing. 

Music is what is bringing me joy right now. 

Music is also what makes me wallow in myself. Yet, at least in my opinion, a healthy type of wallowing, if that makes any sense. Music makes me feel so many things, so many emotions, remember so many memories that I love or wish to forget. But ultimately, even if it's a horribly sad song, I still find my dancing like an idiot, slow or fast, with a stupid smile on my face even if tears run down my cheeks. 

I'm also playing music, letting my fingers do what they desire and play random songs from the hidden and yet unlocked library in the back of my mind. I'm imagining being on that raised stage, the too bright lights shining in my eyes and making my skin feel as though it's a million degrees, and hundreds of little eyes staring through the shadow of darkness. I imagine the crashing of symbols and the wide smile on me and my friend's face as we hug ungracefully, linking arms and skipping towards the band room. 

I also imagine the unfamiliar eyes of people I've never met, sitting around me on the hard plastic chairs, and feeling so anxious. So different. So lost. Drowning. Drowning in laughs and words and conversations that sound so normal and everyday. An everyday that I hadn't been in. Why, yes, this is simply my social anxiety speaking and I know when I pick up my instrument and read my music, playing along with everyone else, I will feel happy and an ounce of joy that just might swim in my veins for the remainder of that day. 

While this is in the future, it still feels like my now. Because yesterday, today, tomorrow, I'm going to google meets with many people I don't know, feeling uncomfortable among the comfortable, and wondering if my love for music and the joy it brings will be enough. If the expected sorrow is going to come right through and crash in like a wave on the beach. 

I don't know. I just know that now, in this moment, music is what brings me joy. I cannot say if it will tomorrow, or the day after that, and so on and so on, but I know that I danced like an idiot today, singing along to my favorite band and all their songs, feeling as close to happy and normal that I can feel this days.