So I was typing up an entry for blue diaries but there were just some things I needed to speak about that have been happening recently. I’ve actually done a lot of posts recently speaking on things as I was going through them and I was going to post them but I didn’t. I don’t know why I didn’t but now I can actually reflect on these past couple of months.
For the past few months I have been having these major depressive episodes I guess you can call it. I don’t know if I should say I was suffering from depression but I did feel like I was depressed. I had sunk into a really deep hole during October and November. I closed myself from everyone and just wasn’t feeling good. The pressures of Uni got to me and I felt lonely.
I have always been a person that liked my own company. I like being by myself, I’ve always been like that. This time round though, I felt a sense of loneliness. I was kind of homesick too I guess. I was going weeks without speaking to my family and my uni timetables and deadlines prohibited me from even visiting them. I’m looking back to some nights where everything had just hit me all at once. I was emotional and I wanted to cry, scream, shout. I just wanted someone, anyone to know that I was breaking apart… but I couldn’t. I was unable to release my emotions even in the privacy of my own bedroom.
One day my Dad rang me, giving me some news on my grandma who, health wise, was not doing so well. The conversation drifted and as usual whenever we spoke he asked me how Uni was. I choked, tears were building up and my stomach was twisting up as I looked out my window and up at the dark sky. I held the phone away from me just so he couldn’t hear me cry. I told him it was okay and I was slightly struggling. I told him I wanted to come home but I couldn’t and that I was tired of uni. I had been thinking for a while about maybe just dropping out. My mind wasn’t in the best of places. I was thinking all sorts of dark things I don’t feel comfortable writing or talking about.
In November I felt like it was Friday the 13th every single day. My luck was just absent. Bad things were happening to me and I was waiting for things to get better but it had been two weeks and shit was still happening to me, mainly at uni. I was starting to take it as signs like maybe my thoughts about uni are correct. Maybe all this is telling me I should drop out?
My parents and my sister came to visit me at the end of that month and I had a couple more deadlines to meet but I put my work aside and spent all day with them. I didn’t tell them, but I was so happy. I almost cried when they left because I had missed them. I just wanted to be away from all this shit and they did just that for me.
After they left the sun finally came out and everything pretty much overturned. Things were going well and starting to look good for me, sort of. It makes me wonder where I would be mentally if they had never come to see me. I never asked them to visit me but that day I was on the phone to my Dad he felt that I was upset and not in a good place. He took time out of his day just to make mine and I’ll always thank and appreciate him for that because I was sinking into a dark hole I thought I would never climb out of.
Now, let me speak on Xavier. I really don’t know where to start on this person but I am so, so, so thankful he is in my life. This guy has seen me cry twice! TWICE! No other person (besides family) has seen me shed a tear. I completely blocked him off for a period of time when I was going through what I was going through. I still haven’t told him about what I was feeling or thinking during that time. No one does actually. I like to put on such a strong and icy emotionless front that I sometimes feel embarrassed to talk about it in person. Regardless, he has been there for me. He knew I was dealing with something because he didn’t see me for weeks and I didn’t reply to his messages and calls. After my parents visit I did see him because I was back at Uni, attending regularly and he invited me over to chill one day. We spoke on a couple of things, one issue in particular regarding Maya. Well it’s not really an issue and I do mention this in future entries of blue diaries so I’m not going to explain it here. But, after he spoke about her he told me he’s always got my back and that I can always talk to him. As simple as those words are, they meant so much to me after the months I had just endured.
