I was going to post this earlier on but I thought I should write it when I'm in a better place so here it is, in all it's jumbled glory.
over the past couple of months I've probably experienced every emotion there is. I felt like I've been sitting on a roller coaster all day; everyday. I'm going to split this into the three months. June, July and August.
June.
I had finished my exams in May and moved back home just under a week later so I could help with my cousin and the preparations for her wedding. I had also started working at a Tesco Express at the end of May.
The wedding went great. I was able to invite a friend if I wanted to and I asked Jamaen if he wanted to come. He showed up for the reception and we were both licked. I don't really drink, but there was an open bar and it is my cousin's wedding reception. plus my cousin gave us a litre bottle of vodka as soon as we entered the venue so I didn't really have a choice. since my cousin, the bride, is also a Beyoncé fan, there was a Queen Bey segment. J and I went off. it was honestly one of the best nights I'd had in a while (the morning after I felt like shit though).
The next weekend I spent with Xavier and his family and friends. it was his birthday weekend and I actually had a nice time. I met some people really important to him and they all made me feel really comfortable. he actually celebrated his 21st over three days. I don't think I've ever consumed so much alcohol in a month before.
July
July has to have been the craziest month yet. I went through a whirlwind of emotions. I had hit a really low point and it was the first time I had ever felt like that. I felt unhappy, worthless and just hopeless. I just didn't want to be here anymore. my thoughts grew dark and everyone could feel my negative energy but no one gave a shit enough to ask what was wrong. my thoughts about my self started to scare me. I couldn't even get out of bed some mornings and I gained a lot of weight. I would then strangely spring back to normal.
I started to get really bad nightmares and I hadn't had any this bad since I was a child. I then had really angry outbursts, after the anger would subside I would cry and then by the evening I'd be back to normal again. I was just emotionally exhausted. all the emotions and everything bubbling inside of me. I realized it was all because of my unhappiness. I just wasn't happy. I then thought that I should tell someone how I'm feeling. in the past I've had the habit of bottling things inside and harbouring it for years and years which just weighed me down, making me feel even more like shit. I didn't want to feel like that again, so one day I went up to my mum and I told her,
"Mum, I'm not happy. I don't know what it is but I can't do this and it's driving me mad." and her reply was,
"What's there not to be happy about?"
and it was true. what was there for me not to be happy about? but as soon as she went off on a tangent, as usual, about how I'm under appreciative and how I have everything and how I'm not allowed to be unhappy I just sighed. this is the part where she winds me up and I give a a somewhat snarky reply and then she goes off on me about being disrespectful and then listing all the qualities I do not have compared to other daughters. *rolls eyes*
I tried to explain how I was feeling but she didn't get it. she just downplayed my feelings making me feel like they're not important and as usual telling me that I really should keep my mouth shut because I can't even count on my own mother to open up to in hopes of settling me.
I then tried to tell my dad how I was feeling and he just took it lightly. taking it as I'm just his teen daughter having 'one of them days' but it had been 'one of them days' for nearly the whole month. I felt like my life was being sucked out of me and I was just going to wither away in front of everyone. I had never felt so low and abandoned before. no one was taking me seriously at all.
work started to feel like more of a chore but it was the only time I was able to leave my home and feel somewhat better. some shifts I liked it at work... some shifts I didn't (mainly due to this old lady).
Back in June I had met this guy called Nathan. He had also just finished his second year at uni. I would see him on a regular as he lived nearby. he would always make conversation with me anytime I served him at the tills and when he'd pay and take his bag he'd always say he hopes I have a great day. he honestly lightened some of my days and took me out of my misery every time I was working the same shift as Brenda (the old lady). our little conversations at the till was us basically getting to know each other. so when we started seeing each other outside of work I was completely comfortable around him. when I had earlier shifts I would spent the rest of the day with him and then go home late. when I worked late he'd walk me home. I haven't told him yet but he's unknowingly helped me so much. little things he said to me would really make my day. i never told him about how I'd been feeling because I don't know him like that but I'm so grateful to him.
August
Come August I had been feeling a lot better, emotionally. well to be honest I was feeling better towards the end of July. I don't entirely know how... but I was. I think because I was looking forward to something. i had my trip to NY to look forward to and then uni. I think I had just grown accustomed to living on my own and just having my own space. I had never liked the place we had moved to anyway, from the start so I always can't wait until I start back at uni. I'd been working more just to save up as much as I can for NY.
the other week I had the shift where I finish at 11. Nathan was waiting for me and we were just taking a stroll as usual. I'm not gonna go into descriptive details but some time during that night he kissed me. I think everyone knows by now that I have NO experience whatsoever when it comes to guys. that was the most awkward moment of my life by far. I embarrassed myself too but whatever.
so anyway, I just finished some of my packing. I'm excited and I'm slightly relieved. I DESERVE this break so much. I need it just as much as I deserve it. I'm about to cash out as soon as I land in NY tbh. this shopping spree has been a long time coming.
also, congrats to everyone that got the results they wanted for their A levels and to the ones that got into their chosen uni. & good luck to everyone that'll be getting their GCSE results soon. I hope everyone enjoys the rest of their summer! xx
oh and can we just appreciate Kanye West? MBDTF helped me once again, just like Late Registration and 808s & Heartbreak did all those years ago. I'm forever mentally thanking him.
