I’ve been gagging to rant all week. Wanted to angrily type up thoughts on my own life, AOTY, Kanye and a whole load of others things. People already know I was mad as fuck during the Grammys. I’m not getting into that though. I’ll get over it and I didn’t want this to be an angry post.
I’ve been wanting to type up something for a while and I actually have been. I just scrap it after I’ve read through. I’ve been writing for Never Let Go though, the way I just left that for dust. I can’t even remember why I stopped writing that. I mean I’ve been busy this year obviously with uni and stuff but I stopped writing that like last year. I’ve restarted though and hopefully I can just get that damn thing finished. I hate starting things and not finishing it – it irks my soul, literally. I feel uncomfortable when things aren’t finished.
So since my last post things have changed. I mentioned what I was dealing with. Along with those depressive episodes I was not sleeping at all. I actually thought I was an insomniac. I would try oils, different candles (because I already light candles before I go to bed), music, meditation, showering right before but nothing worked. I tried CBT but I would still lay wide-awake and this would go on for days until I would eventually fall asleep which would be for a couple of hours. A doctor eventually gave me a prescription for anti-depressants and sleeping pills after some therapies weren’t helping due to me dealing with all this other shit going on in my mind.
I didn’t end up taking them though. I mean as much as I wanted to and felt like I needed to I physically couldn’t for a few reasons:
1. I still can’t swallow tablets, even after 21 whole years of living I am unable to.
2. I was afraid of becoming dependent on them (I’ve watched too many movies and read too many stories). Plus I’ve always been the no medication type of person because obviously I can’t take them anyway and I just let my immune system do its job. Lord knows what I’ll do when something serious actually happens to me.
I looked at those pills all the time during that period because I so badly wanted to sleep and not mess uni up for myself. I was angry at myself for not be able to swallow a fucking pill. I mean here I am, days without sleep and the thing that can finally help me rest my mind is right in my hands but I can’t take it. I was so frustrated and it just upset me further.
As for the anti depressants, I actually never got them. I walked into a couple of pharmacies, they always said they didn’t have it and I should come back in a few days or try another.
When the New Year hit things slightly got better. I mean I was able to sleep but I would still have a lot on my mind. I had an exam coming up and I hadn’t revised at all and the thought of that exam would just remain in the back of my mind. Instead I sat, re watching season after season of Criminal Minds. Whilst I was watching that I was on edge for weeks. I would always look over my shoulder, narrow my eyes at people I came in contact with; whether that is the person serving me at Subway or the cashier at Tesco, I was suspicious of everyone. So crazy, but binge watching that show was not good for me at all.
Anyway exams were over; first one went terrible because obviously I didn’t revise but whatever. New semester started and I promised myself to make a change. I got my sleeping pattern on track, tried to get back in the gym and eat better. I try to work hard but also leave time for myself to do things I like to do without worrying about other shit. As I came in contact with some people, well certain people, I started to feel slightly better and would start to look forward to the day ahead of me every time I got up in the morning.
