Dear Marilyn (BoyxBoy)

Problem Solved

March 23rd 2003

Dear Marilyn,

:( < This is me right now. I honestly don't know what to say. I never thought I'd be in a scenario like this without my best friend, but that looks like what's happening now, whether I like it or not.

So I guess you could say things didn't go to plan a few weeks ago, when I told Beth what was going on. You could even say they spectacularly back fired on me.

Let me break it down for you Maz.

It wasn't exactly that it didn't go well, because it did. Beth was so supportive, as always and in lots of ways, not surprised at all that I was gay. To the point where at the drop of a hat, she listed off 5 things that had happened over the years, that made her question my sexuality. All hilarious of course and included me borrowing and wearing Polly's tie dye hot pants on Scout summer camp and us tieing coats round our heads, before flipping them up on top and pretending we were Cher! I know what you're thinking Maz! It was obvious! But that's the thing, you're wrong!

Sexuality is so much more than what you do, it's what you feel and if we were all judged by things we did as kids, we'd all probably be branded gay. Not caring what people think of you and being strong enough to be yourself and have fun, does not make you gay. It makes you a warrior. Sleeping with men is what makes you gay. So never judge a book by it's cover because you'll very rarely be right.

Best friends are like elephants, they never forget and it made me crack up how she instantly went to these moments as evidence of my gayness. It did make me feel better though if only for a few hours, before I realised what had really come out of our conversation.

I put any negative thoughts to the back of my head and thought about how I'd feel the next time I saw Malek, which would be the next day, a Sunday, at the Quayside. We were doing an 8 hour shift together, just us and I couldn't wait.

Sunday morning came, Dad dropped me off and I got into work, got changed and started work out the back, washing up. Si had a knack of using every pan in the place, within the first 10 minutes of being there, so it was very normal to be thrown in at the deep end, as soon as we opened.

It quickly got deeper as a call came through from Malek's mum and unfortunately, he wasn't coming in today, because he was really ill and in actual fact, he wasn't going to be coming back either, because he had too much schoolwork on.

Si put the phone down and hit the roof! He was absolutely fuming and it meant I got to spend the whole day by myself in electric silence, the only waiter and pot washer in the building, on a very busy Sunday, with a Si who was effing and blinding with rage.

I was fuming! Thanks for the heads up Malek. I couldn't believe it Maz! What a dick! Why didn't he just text me and give me a heads up? So much for the bro code! It was so strange and completely out of character. Maybe something had happened? I held on till I got home and showered, before I rang him to see what was going on, but my gut was telling me something was definitely wrong.

Straight to voicemail. I tried again. Straight to voicemail. Maybe something really was wrong? Maybe he was in hospital? I was genuinely worried about him and as I sat there pondering whether to go round there or not, my phone flashed and a text came through.

'Bailey, Beth's here. The dilemma is solved. I can't believe you told her all that stuff about us, to stop me and her from being together! You told her I liked her, so she text me saying she felt the same. She's here, in my bed asleep, right now. I told you it was our secret and you broke your promise to keep it. Now you've lost me and you've lost Beth too. Don't contact me again.'

I dialled Malek's number again. What the hell had just happened? I was shaking with adrenaline and had to speak to him and have this out. Why would Beth do that? I was gobsmacked and blurry with emotions.

'This number is temporarily out of service.'

And now he'd blocked me.

That was 2 weeks ago now Maz.

We got into Music on Monday and we were no longer paired up. He was with Beth and I was with Beth's partner, a very shy asian girl named Erin. Beth was too caught up in her whirlwind romance to talk to me either and so for the first time in ages, Polly was actually happy.

Happy because she finally got to spend more time with me, which was exactly what she wanted. You remember Polly don't you Maz? You know the girlfriend I was about to tell I was gay? Which was exactly what she hadn't wanted.

Night Maz X :( < still me