31st of December, 2002
Dear Marilyn,
Today is CeCe's birthday (HAPPY BIRTHDAY!) and also New Years Eve, which is always a funny one for me.
On one hand, I love the idea of leaving the previous year behind us and I love the promise of what a new year can bring, but on the other hand, what I really don't love is the part where you reflect on everything you've done, in order to move on as a new and improved, better person. A better Bailey.
I might be the only one thinking this Maz, tell me if I'm wrong, but personally, I just really don't like to think about what bad things have happened in my life or what horrible things I've done, that I want to forget. I mean look at this last year as an example. Mum and Dad have split up, which is probably the worst thing that can happen in a kids life, other than them dying, which Mum also nearly did a bunch of times too and then looking closer to home, you've got me, gay, with a girlfriend, Polly, who I absolutely adore, but I'm completely caught up in a relationship that is only going to end in tears.
Why did I do this Maz? It just felt so right at the time and just so natural and easy, but then it's like someone has flipped a switch in me and I've ended up in a completely different persons mind. How did this happen to me? I didn't ask for this. When I look in the mirror, I still look the same. I'm still Bailey. So why do I not feel the same?
I feel so ashamed of myself for doing this to Polly and it just feels like some really cruel punishment for us both. But she didn't do anything to deserve this. I'm not even sure I did. I love her and want her so much, so why can't she be what I NEED too? Why do I need a man behind me, (and that is not a euphemism Maz! Get your mind out the gutter!), to make me feel whole?
Can you even just begin to imagine how Polly would feel if she found any of this out? I think she'd feel completely worthless and all sorts of horrible thoughts and just not good enough, but that just couldn't be further away from the truth. She's always been the one for me and I know that, yet somewhere along the line I changed, without even my own approval to do so. I didn't want this. Why would anyone want this? You don't just choose to make your life harder. It's hard enough already. I just wanted the wife, the kids and to be the one to make her laugh forever so badly and now I know that the longer this goes on, the more I stand the chance of losing her completely and never hearing her laugh ever again.
Aside from Polly, my Dad would definitely kill me if he ever found out and my brothers would turn on me too. I wouldn't even be safe in my own home. The one I've been loved in, nurtured in and grown up in.
From as early as I can remember, if ever anyone, who showed even the smallest hint of being gay appeared on the telly, my Dad would instantly be calling them 'a load of poofters' or 'faggots'. Both were words I grew up hearing, which he seemed to love using with all the venom he could muster. The boys would then follow suit, just like the dawn chorus does at the start of each new day and it was ingrained in all of us, that being gay was bad. I even remember us sitting round the table one evening, eating dinner, when a gay pride march appeared on the news. It was horrendous to watch because anti-gay protesters had turned up in their numbers, jumped the fence to get to those marching and were beating them black and blue. My Dad just simply said, 'O that's good, because all faggots should be killed anyway.'
To this day I have never forgotten that comment Marilyn and how freely it was said. It made me realise that although I love my Dad, we were two completely different people and I would never want to raise my kids in a world where we judged others so easily, without knowing their story.
Many nights recently I've just lay here in bed, tossing and turning for what seems like hours, thinking if being gay is bad but all I've ever wanted was to be good and to make my family and friends proud, then is there any way out of this? Should I even be here? Maybe if I'm lucky, when the clock strikes twelve and we head into 2003, I'll turn back into a pumpkin and this complete and utter nightmare will all be over.
I don't want to be here anymore.
Bailey X
P.S Happy New Year :(
YOU ARE READING
Dear Marilyn (BoyxBoy)
Teen FictionA coming of age tale about a boy who realises he's gay and the inner struggle he faces to just truly be himself. His parents are splitting up, so his own turmoil is no where near as important, as he tries to pull together with his family to make it...
