Strangers

Chapter 53: All's Fair in Love, Not War

"If it makes you feel any better I ask myself the same question about you all the time..." I respond to him, completely unsure of what he really wants from me. 

"It's like I just want to protect you and make sure you're okay, but I think that most of the time I have to protect you from yourself. So maybe, if I didn't love you as much as I do, I would be able to walk away and be bitter over this break up, watch from afar as you self destruct, before you can rebuild." 

"I don't want to self-destruct." I mutter, I never thought my demise would be because of a failed relationship. 

"Lola, I'm so sorry."

"You're sorry I fell in love with you?" I scoff, staring out the window.

"No. Well, in a way yeah. All I ever seem to do is hurt you." He sighs, keeping his eyes on the road.

"It's not your fault. I need you to stop saying sorry because I'm going to start blaming you. And honestly I think it would be easier if I just could."

"So why don't you? I feel like it's all my fault most of the time anyway." He tugs on the end of his hair with one hand and clenches the other on the steering wheel tightly.

"I don't want to be bitter. Or, more bitter."

"Lola, I'm really worried about you."

"You don't need to be." I say, completely monotone, I don't think I even believe that.

"That's not what Alice said."

"Well what would she know? She shouldn't have called you." I knew it. I fucking knew it.

"I called her."

"Why? You don't get to be concerned now. You didn't give a fuck about me for the past six weeks."

"That's not true. I cared, I've always cared, babe. I just, I'm trying to do what's best for you, and I thought that ending things was the way to do that."

"And you don't think that anymore?"

"I don't know what I think anymore. I just want you to be okay, and I don't know how to make that happen. Do you?" He asks, and I wonder if he knows that the sound of his raspy voice has the effect of stabbing knives on my heart. The car stops and I hadn't realised we were outside his house until now. He is fast climbing out, closing the door and running around to open my door when I don't move.

"Come on." He holds out his hand to me and I feel so numb, taking hold of his and being pulled out of the car. But my hand falls out of his, and my feet remain planted on the sidewalk, staring at his house like it's a metaphor for everything I thought my future with Harry held.

"What's wrong? Are you coming in?" He tugs at my hand again.

"I don't think I can." I tell him, my heart feels like it might explode in my chest at any second, and I can't imagine how it would be possible for me to survive the wreckage, but I almost think anything would be better than how I feel right now.

"Baby." He frowns, his hand tugging mine more forcefully in the direction of the front gate. I oblige, letting my feet do all the work and aimlessly follow Harry.

"Why do you keep calling me that?"

"Why not?"

"Because I'm not your..." I stop myself, I don't want to not be his anything. I would love nothing more than to be his everything, and I know that I can't.

I follow him up to the house and across the threshold. Chills run down my spine just being here, and everywhere I look just wants to haunt my mind with fantastic memories I have here. But also some not so fantastic. At the bottom of the stairs is where Harry and I had the worst fight of our relationship, and I punched him in the face. So maybe we were always flawed, doomed from the start or something...but everyone says imperfections are what makes it real, and if you overcome damnation, wouldn't that make it close to perfect?