MY KIND OF CRAZY ✔️

CHAPTER 12: GUILTLESS

IAN
"So, Ian," Ms. Lynn flipped through her desk drawers until she found a tattered, maroon notebook. She placed it onto her desk, flipping to a clean page and clicked her pen open. "How are you feeling?"

Today was my first private therapy session with her and I'd been dreading it all morning. The last thing I wanted to do was whine about all my problems. And the biggest thing on my mind was Draven since I changed into Miles's room (his old roommate got let out). I hadn't spoken to him in a week. I missed him, but I wasn't ready to admit that to anyone yet. The guys tease me about it but confirming their jokes out loud was so much different.

I shrugged, "I know you won't let me leave until I spill my deepest, darkest secrets or whatever, but I don't feel like sharing."

"Why's that?"

"Because I don't want to think about it anymore."

She scribbled something down in her book and I tried to glance over to read it but it was too far. What could she have possibly gotten from that?

"When we don't get our emotions out they bottle up and explode," she explained. "Remember our last group session?"

I cringed, remembering how I had a panic attack in front of everyone. What a great first impression. They probably all thought I was a pussy now. Maybe I am.

I chuckled bitterly, "and look how that went."

It was her turn to cringe as she shook her head at the memory, "Draven is... something." She sighed, "there's a good guy underneath that tough facade he likes to put up for a show."

I perked up. Does he talk to her about his feelings?

"What has he told you?"

She raised a brow at my sudden interest, "are you interested in him?"

My cheeks reddened, "n-no, I'm just curious." I lied, "he came out of nowhere when he attacked Brandon, I wanted to know why."

I rubbed my elbow nervously, hoping she couldn't tell that I had feelings for him. I mean she was a professional psychologist and I'd been blushing since the moment Draven came up. It didn't take a genius to see how whipped I am over him.

"I'm not allowed to disclose private information between my patients and I."

My face dropped in disappointment and I immediately became closed off again. I didn't care about anything else she had to say. She would just tell me some stupid cliche shit like needing to look on the bright side and appreciate the little things in life. Fuck the bright side and fuck the little things.

She sensed a shift in my emotions and looked hesitant to continue, "it's okay if you have feelings for another boy."

My throat closed up as I struggled to form some kind of response. I looked up at her and made eye contact for the first time since I walked into her office. Her face looked like she was trying to decipher my every moment, like she cared, whether it was or job to or not. Maybe if I had to tell someone, she'd be the person, right? I had to leave at some point anyway.

"Yeah." I spoke quietly, "I think... I think I have feelings for him."

Admitting it verbally made me nauseous and I felt scared she would start laughing at any moment, but she didn't. She nodded at me instead with an understanding gaze, "what do you like about him?"

I gulped, nervously fumbling with my hands again, "I like his eyes. They're the darkest shade of brown I've ever seen. I feel like he's swallowing me up into a black hole whenever I look into them."

"He's an interesting choice." She phrased her words carefully, "what's it about his personality that intrigues you?"

I'd been thinking about that a lot. There were so many aspects of Draven that I'd seen within the two weeks. I couldn't come up with a single thing that didn't spark my interest. Everything he did had me mesmerized.

"He's not like anyone else I've ever met."

Ms. Lynn tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. "He sure isn't like anyone I've ever met either," she laughed.

"Does he talk to you?" I tried again, "does he open up?"

She bit her tongue, afraid to answer any questions about him I had. But I needed to know. All of my questions were left unanswered and I kept blindly filling in the blanks with all the wrong ones.

"This session is about you, so let's talk about you, Ian." She opened her book again, "I have the police file with information about what happened. How have you been holding up?"

My face paled. She knows?

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Ian," she sighed but I cut her off.

"I'm not going to talk about it."

She glanced over the file again and it felt like she was staring into my soul. I wanted to rip it out of her hands and rip it up. It wasn't her or anybody's business. Well, maybe it was since it's her job, but it still made me feel violated.

"Why did Draven beat up Brandon?" I shot back, "did he tell you?"

The nervous look in her eyes told me all the answers. She knew.

"I told you that I can't talk about another patient." She slid her book of secrets into her desk drawer, "I'll let you off easy today, but next time I see you I expect some more optimism. You do want to leave eventually, right?"

I nodded.

"I'm the one who decides when that happens, so if I were you, I'd try making a little progress."

The door burst open and a nurse ran in heaving, "Mike climbed a tree and won't come down. He said he's trying to join his monkey ancestors and return to their heritage or something, we need you right now before he falls!"

Ms. Lynn's eyes widened and she stumbled out of her chair, "go back to the main room, Ian. I'll see you soon!"

They left in a hurry, and my mind immediately went back to her book hidden in her drawer. It would be so easy to just figure out why he acts the way he does. I knew it was wrong to snoop, but I doubted anyone in this place was above that kind of thing anyway. Plus I would just look at Draven's and put it back. He's the only one I cared about knowing.

After coming up with the courage to finally take it, I made my way around her desk with a racing heart, glancing at the door every few seconds as if someone was about to barge in any moment. Maybe they would. I opened the drawer I saw her put it in, and there it was.

The musty, worn down maroon book just sat there, taunting me, practically begging me to read all of its contents and more. Deciding that I could deal with my guilt later, I picked it up and flipped through the pages.

"Ian?"

I almost shit myself, hiding the book behind my back. I relaxed once I saw it was Nick. "Oh," my voice cracked, "hello!"

I just said 'oh hello!' Really Ian?

"We've been looking everywhere for you," he said slowly, "Mike thinks he's a monkey and climbed a tree outside."

I forced out a laugh, acting like that was the funniest thing I had ever heard. He gave me a weird look and I knew that he knew.

"Let's go meet up with everyone," he nodded at the door and tried to see what I had behind my back but I had tucked the book into the back of my waistband, pulling my shirt down to cover the rest of it up.

"Okay," I followed him out, the feeling of his eyes trying to see what I was hiding burning into my skin.