IF ONLY---I COULD FORGIVE MYSELF

Chapter 16

Leyla found Can in his usual spot outside by the pool. Though cold and cloudy he stayed out there most of the time. He told them he could just breathe better there. She decided to try and find out what was going on in his mind, that is if he would open up to her. She drilled him on why he had left his work and lost all interest of his self.

His eyes that had once held such power and strength were all but glazed and empty. Leyla hadn't really looked at him in a while and she was shocked. What has happened to him? He had lost weight and his appearance was not of importance to him at all. This is more serious than I had anticipated, no wonder Emre has been so worried. Leyla had let her feelings of what he did to her sister over take her sense of compassion for her brother-in-law.

He mumbled excuse after excuse as to why he left the agency, none of wish made sense to her. She asked him when he had eaten last, he told her he really didn't remember, but he wasn't hungry. She insisted he go take a shower and she would fix him some dinner. As like in a daze without any thought he got up to follow her instructions. She took the time to call Sanem and tell her the situation they had there. "He's in a bad way sis," Leyla explained to her. "I've never seen him like this before; in fact, I've never seen anyone like this before." Sanem had such an urge to catch the next plane to Istanbul, but she knew that would be too easy. They decided for Leyla to call her back after Can had showered and had some food and she would talk to him.

Leyla prepared a salad for him, just something lite not knowing how long it had been since he had eaten. He poured himself a whiskey but she fixed him a tea and took away the drink, he gave her a look of disapproval but didn't protest.

As he picked through his salad in an uninterested display for the food, Leyla declared it was time. She would make the move before one of them ended up in serious trouble. She dialed Sanem. He had retreated back to the patio in the cold dampness of night.

Leyla walked out to the patio, phone in hand. "Can," she barked, "I have had enough."

He gave her a look of dismissal and turned away. Her tone brought back a memory of the day she brought the partnership papers to his office. She shoved her phone in front of him and said, "Now take this and talk but more than that listen!"

The glare from him almost made her weak but she stood strong, "Here, take the phone now."

He reached for the phone and said, "Yes?"

A familiar voice was on the other end, "Hello? Can? Can, are you there?"

"Sanem? Sanem, my god!" he breathed.

"Yes Can it's me," she said, barely a whisper.

"Sanem. Sanem?"

Trying to control herself, she calmly told him she was fine and for him not to worry about her. He slumped over with elbows on his knees shaking uncontrollably, "Sanem where are you? Tell me now." Leyla watched from the door in utter disbelief at how such a strong and determined man had be brought to such destruction from love. She watched him sob without shame or embarrassment. "I'm coming to you, just tell me where you are. I have to see you, touch you." It was a sputtering of such she hardly understoond him.

"Can!" she blurted, "Stop please listen to me. You can't come here, not now."

"Of course I can", he said, "just tell me. Please, Sanem!"

"I just want you to get yourself together!" she cried. "You have to start taking care of you, I'm fine so you don't have to worry! Okay?"

"Sanem," he pleaded, "there is no me without you. There never has been and there never will be. I have to be with you."

"Can, I have to go now," she said with her heart was at its breaking point. She felt that she would pass out. "Please take hold of yourself and I will call again tomorrow," she gasped. He begged for her not to hang up, but she was gone. He dropped the phone and with his head in his hands he cried unmercifully. Leyla turned away sobbing herself and what she had just watched. After a few minutes she went out to get her phone and Can, trying to compose himself, stood and walked out into the yard.

Emre had come home seeing that Leyla was upset and asked what had happened. She explained everything to him and he rushed out to check on his brother.

Can refused to acknowledge Emre and seemed to be unable to speak. He sat on the lawn in the same spot the Sanem had sat what seemed like a decade ago to confess her love for him. His mind was flooded with memories and all the despair of how it went wrong. It was well into the night and Emre pleaded with him to come inside to get warm but it met with no response. He finally took a blanket out to wrap around him and went to bed.

Leyla had called Sanem back to make sure she was okay.

"Abla, he sounds terrible." she noted. Sanem told her she would call him again tomorrow and try to get through to him. "Sanem, he's sitting on the lawn with his head between his knees crying. He has been for hours and refuses to come in."

Seemingly unfazed, Sanem replied, "Sister I will call in the morning, make sure to watch after him."

He had finally slept for a couple of hours but not a good sleep. He had moved back to the patio but still wasn't talking. She told Emre they should stay home with him so he called Deren and told her to move his meetings. They watched and waited for Sanem to call back, which she did about 11:00. He jumped at the ringing of Leyla's phone hoping it was her. Leyla talked a minute with her and then went towards the patio. Can grabbed the phone and shouted, "Sanem is it you?" She tried calmly to talk to him and reassure him everything was fine. She asked him if he was eating and he told her just couldn't." You have to," she said, "Leyla says you have lost weight and that's not good."

He begged her to come home so he could fix everything or let him come to her. She didn't hesitate and said, "Can, fix yourself first and then we'll talk and I'm quite serious about that. I will call again tomorrow but you have to fix it Can."

For the first time in weeks he went in the kitchen and prepared something to eat, showered, and got dressed. He talked to Emre and Leyla and apologized for dumping all his work on them and told them to give him a couple of days and he would be back to work. "I have to fix myself", he said, "she is calling again tomorrow and I'm hoping I get a chance to make it work, but first I have to get back to me."

For the next several days Can grew stronger and was getting back to his old self. Sanem called every day and the conversations lasted longer and longer each day. Leyla could tell the difference in Sanem also with each of their phone calls. 

Their hearts where begging to be healed...the absence of one from the other had proven that to them both....