IF ONLY---I COULD FORGIVE MYSELF

Chapter 9

Every text and every phone call still sent electric waves through her body. The urge to answer or text him back was almost more than she could stand. She stood looking at the last text wondering what had brought that on. Why now was he sorry for not hearing her?

Luca had suggested they have dinner on the beach that evening since the weather had been so perfect. He had stopped at the café on the pier and picked up a couple of their favorite dishes: Chicken Souvlaki and a Greek salad. The owner of the cafe was especially fond of Luca since she had provided most of his meals for him since he had arrived in Chania so she gifted him a large bowl of fruit and bread. Sanem said she could supply the wine. They had developed a friendship over the last few weeks and had slowly began to reveal things about their past and what had brought them there.

She knew he had been married but not any of the details of what happened. She knew that his family called him daily and begged him to come home. If fact one of their conversations on the phone was what had startled her that first day, when she walked along the beach. He told her he had been in Chania for three years and wasn't sure if he would ever go back home.

She had not divulged to much information to him about Can and how they parted but he had seen several of the phone calls and texts come in to be declined or not replied to. He would never pry or ask too many questions; he would let her decide how much to tell him. He only knew when she was ready to share, he was ready to listen.

As he watched her spread the blanket and unpack the food, he studied her face, from the slight smile to the sincerity in her eyes. He knew she was someone he could open up to, and that was a feeling he hadn't had in the last three years.

The dinner was delicious and they had great conversations about writing and a new book they had found. He could easily make her laugh and she loved the fact that he would go to extreme in his story telling to do so. What he wouldn't do to make her laugh. Yes, he loved that laugh.

She needed to laugh and he had that knack of knowing when that was. Her mood was lighter and more content after she ate. Food was beginning to taste good to her again and it was more fulfilling than when she first moved there. In all the best of times between her and Can was always celebrated with food, from the second day of her working at the agency to their trip to the Can's best friends printing shop. He took to dinner while they waited to use the printer. She remembered the comment he made, that most women he knew didn't like to eat or drink chia. At the time she thought it so strange for him to say, but later she understood it all too well.

The sea had extra glow and twinkle that night and the moon danced on the ripples and waves like sequins. The light side of the moon, so beautiful, how she wished she wasn't the dark side. Luca interrupted her thoughts and asked her where her mind had taken her. She knew she could never share that story with him, well at least not now. Smiling, she said," Just thoughts of home."

The pinging of her phone brought her back. There was a text...

"The moon is beautiful tonight, the light side, your side."

How did he have that uncanny way of knowing all of her thoughts? Was he locked inside her mind and soul? If so, how would she ever unlock herself and set him free?

Luca saw quickly how that text had diminished her mood so he said, ":et me help you carry all this stuff to the house and tidy up, it's getting late." She turned her head and swiped away a tear as it trickled down her cheek. "Thanks, Luca. I think we might have lost track of time."

As they made their way up the beach to her house with arms full of the leftovers, he stopped. Without looking at her he said, "My wife was killed three and a half years in a plane crash. That has been the hardest thing in my life to accept, so when you're ready to talk I'm ready to listen."

Sanem had no words to say and felt so sorry for him. All she could muster up to say was how truly sorry she was and then thought how trivial that had seemed.

He helped her with the food and thanked her for her company and with a quick hug he told her goodnight.

In her very logical part of her mind she knew she needed to buy a new phone and get a new phone number but in her vulnerable side of her mind that meant all forms of contacts would be gone. Was she ready for that? What a hassle of getting a new number would be, she thought. But I definitely will think about it, maybe later.

She dressed for bed and remembered she hadn't gone through her mail for a couple of days. It wasn't like she had a lot of correspondents, mostly junk mail.

But, there was a letter. It was in a full manila envelope addressed to her in pen from the publishers: "Ms. Ayden, We are happy to inform you that we have accepted your transcript and the revisions that were made. We will plan a release date in early 2021. There will be a launch to six major markets at that time. Consisting of Turkey, Greece, Italy, Spain, France and the United Kingdom. A second launch for later in the year for a broader spectrum. We will handle all publicity engagements and book signings. There will be a contract to follow for you to sign and return along with a sample copy of the cover for the book. There will also be a check enclosed for advance payment of projected sales from your book. We have extremely high hopes for the release of this book and are pleased and thankful to work with you."

She sat staring at the letter for several minutes and then she reread it again just to make sure she wasn't dreaming. Her heart was beating hard as she realized what she had read. 

I can't believe it, it's really going to happen! Ah Can ah, without you here --joy is so incomplete.