IF ONLY---I COULD FORGIVE MYSELF

Chapter 15

She was listening to her favorite music and reliving the day. Thinking about what Luca had told her about and hating herself for changing her number. Her stomach was already gnawing at the thought of not seeing his text and hearing his thoughts.

The knock startled her back to reality. She opened the door to let Luca in and along with him came the cold wind. She squealed, "Oh! it has really gotten cold out there, get in here! He welcomed the warm house; he hadn't realized the temperature with he left his place and didn't grab his scarf. Do you want coffee or wine? Your choice." she asked. "I'll take coffee," he said, "if it's not too much trouble."

He got comfortable on the couch with his coffee and she made herself another cup of tea. He asked her if she had thought any more about what they had talked about earlier. She had to open up and talk about it to someone and he was willing to listen and something told her he wouldn't judge her.

After about two hours of pouring out all of her heart and soul to him she sat in silence waiting for him to speak. He finally and calmly asked, "Is that the whole story? You mean he gave up on you and your relationship because you tried to help him. That man needs a good reality check. I get why you did what you did, but why didn't he?" She explained that Can has very rigid beliefs and there's no acceptance of deception.

He asked if that was what she was trying to forgive herself for all the months. She nodded slowly and dropped her head. Luca softly whispered, "Sanem, in my opinion you have nothing to be ashamed of. What you did wasn't malicious, what you did was out of love. He's the one with the problem and at the number of calls and texts that I have seen come on your phone, I think he knows that now." Luca wanted to tell her how bad Can was for treating her that way and she didn't need someone like that in her life but he didn't want to play on her vulnerability. He wanted for her to forgive herself so she could allow herself to let him go. She had to let Can go before she could let him in. He would wait and be there for her when she needed him but he had to be sure she was completely over him before he could allow himself to love.

The release date was a week away and she was very nervous. The publicity of the upcoming book was staggering. Her publisher had done a fantastic job in advertising the latest novel that was projected to be a bestseller in record time. The launch was set for January 8th and her first signing was on January 9th in Milan, Italy. All the details had been emailed to her and her plane ticket was delivered. She would arrive in Milan on the Friday the 8th in time for the release.

The only time she had traveled outside of Turkey or alone was her move to Greece. She so wished someone could come with her but knew this had to be done on her own. Ahmet would meet her at the airport and take her to her hotel so she wasn't actually going to be alone.

Iris insisted that she bring her a copy of the first print for her personal enjoyment. She wished her luck and gave her a kiss on both cheeks sending her out the door with Luca. He took her to the airport to catch her flight and how he regretted not being able to go with her. This was part of her forgiveness process, making herself be strong and independent. To abandon the feeling of not being good enough that had sank down into her core would have to be done by her. If she could unlock that feeling and set it out, maybe her feelings for him would also be set free.

She knew that Leyla nor her parents were able to attend the launch or book signing but she would send an invitation to them just for a keepsake. She sent Leyla's to the agency not knowing if Can was still living in their house or not, the chance of him seeing it was less. She asked for three first run editions to be held back for her parents, Leyla, and her best friend Ayhan, and for them to be delivered. This part of her dream was coming true and she was overjoyed but her dark side of the moon still remained deep inside. This fairy tale ending was not to be as most for she was the bad character in this fairy tale, not the one that hated the lies but the one that lied.

Ahmet greeted her at the airport excited to see her and to get everything rolling. The hype was unbelievable and a little scary. She didn't know what she expected but this wasn't it. The two major book stores in Milan were fully stocked with the book but by mid-afternoon the supply was running low.

Mondadori Multicenter Book store was perhaps the most unusual, it had a little of everything you could ever want. It was beautiful and so very authentic.

Rizzolis Book Store was large and exquisite. The book signing was planned there to be able to accommodate the crowd. It was located in the center of the city with lots of shops and restaurants around.

Both had the charm and tradition of all that was Italy. She could not have been happier, except if this was a year earlier and Can was by her side. It was always there inside her like a knot; who or what could help her untie that knot and let her breathe.

The line was out the door and down the street. It seemed to be from a dream and everything was beautiful. Mostly women from 25 to 70 in age, crowded in to get a signature and some taking a picture with the author. She was overwhelmed at the kindness of everyone and their love of the story she had written.

Ahmet could not have been happier at the turn out and the sellout of the book. The next day was the roll out to all the other markets. The reviews were out and they sales had topped the projections. It was a hit.

On Sunday the publishing house hosted a brunch in her honor. Many authors and publishers were in attendance. She was quite nervous and felt out of her element. Everyone was very kind and praised the book saying it going to be the book of the year. The reporters for the entertainment section of the newspaper had an interview scheduled for noon and then she had a flight at 2:00 pm. The interview was short and not in much detail, she was glad and hoped that it would stay local.

Ahmet dropped her at the airport with time to spare. He was filling her in on the next engagement which would be in Thessaloniki, Greece in two weeks. This city was the cultural capital of Greece, very vibrant and picturesque. She had heard a lot about the city and couldn't wait to visit.

They said their goodbyes and she sat to wait for her flight. It had been an exciting few days, but she welcomed the thought of home. She was slowly beginning to think of Chania as her home, and it felt good.

She rang Leyla as she was waiting for the flight. "Abla how are you?" Leyla shouted. "How did it all go? Were there a lot of people? Did you sell a lot of books?" Sanem laughed and said, "Whoa! Give me time to answer. One question at a time! But oh yes, it was great!"

Leyla squealed, "It looks like it was a sellout and the next launch went out today for the rest of the region. I'm so proud of you," said Leyla. "I just wish I could tell everyone here your good news." Sanem wanted to share the news with her friends but knew it wouldn't be a good thing to do. "Are you at the agency Leyla?" Sanem asked. Leyla confirmed that she was at work. She begged "Please be careful and don't let Can know your talking to me." After a long silence Leyla informed her that Can hadn't be to the office in a few weeks. Sanem was shocked and asked why.

"We're not sure but all his time is spent at home or meeting with Mr. Volkan for updates on the search for you. He had completely walked away from his job. Sanem, he's really in a bad way and Emre is very worried about him and I am to." Leyla said, worried. "I would have never guessed that he would be in this shape. He's really devastated. I know what happened between you was hard on you and he was unfair to you but this man is going through hell right now. Maybe if you would just let him know you were okay and he could hear your voice it might help."

Sanem felt like her world was falling around her and all she could think of was Can. Leyla told her it looked like he was in a self-destruct mode. "Should I call him? Maybe you should call me back when you get home and I can talk to him. I just want to let him know I'm okay and he doesn't have to worry about me."

"It just might help", Leyla said "and I knew the Emre would be thankful."

"I don't think I can promise anything other than that right now. As bad as I want to come home and help him, it's not time yet. I have to get myself in a stronger and better place of mind before that happens and Can needs to change his outlook on life and not be so controlling."

They agreed for Leyla to go home and talk to Can then call her when she arrived back home. Sanem hoped it was not a mistake but all she wanted to do was help him. After all, she still loved him.