Bad Kind of Butterflies ♧ DazaiXReaderXDOA

21. Your Mistake

You know you should have stopped it the moment you allowed Gogol to kiss you, like an exotic drink that you were thrilled to taste, only to find poison on your lips instead...except you couldn't, and you didn't. It felt like a blissful ride despite your subconscious warning you of the consequences.

Still, you want to explore the rhythm of this man that intrigues you so much, that differs from everyone else that has played with you. You want so much, and by the force of Nikolai on you, you know he wants to give it to you. You both want to give a different sense of freedom to each other...but the touch is dangerous, and the choice is more than a simple mistake. You almost wish you had kept the desire to yourself; but alas, would it have been worth it?

Gogol likes to play games with riddles, and surely he would have pulled it out of you over and over again if he could as if it were an answer to an easy quiz for his own enjoyment.

Yes, that you are certain of. This wildfire between you two was something that couldn't have been stopped, and destruction was always inevitable. Of course, that wasn't something you were worried about right now.

Nikolai Gogol runs his hands through your hair as he pulls you towards him, his heart beat loud next to yours, your hands and bodies in a hot dance with one another, arms wrapped around his neck loosening as his kisses trail down from your lips to your jaw, then your neck, then your collarbones...

Why...why does this feel so good?

It's wrong. This is all wrong...but why do I not want to let go? I want to let him do as he pleases, I want him to show me all he promises under his theatrics, under his quest for freedom...

I want him to show me how to breathe again.

You feel your body shiver as you bring Nikolai's head back up to your face, your eyes meeting his again and not being able to recognize who it was looking at you. Silver hair messier than usual, body relaxed against yours, the anguish one could often find hiding under his layers is gone, heart soaring with yours. Your lashes flutter as you lean in once again and hover your lips just above his, both your breathing heavy, anticipation weighing down on the tension around you.

"Kolya..." you whisper, pain apparent in the way you say his name as if you were on the verge of begging.

Gogol chuckles under his breath as he trails one of his fingers from your cheek and down to your lips, stopping you from talking any further, parting them just for him.

"Games of chance like this are so much more fun without any unnecessary talking...I prefer hearing other things."

---

Holy crap.

Out of breath, you stare at your reflection in the washroom mirror belonging to the casino area hours later, gawking at the mess you had been made into. You didn't end up having the self control you needed to stop anything from happening with Gogol, but after a gut feeling of fear, you had to leave even though neither of you were done with the other. You felt embarrassed, unable to comprehend what had just happened. Your hair is all over the place, your dress that had been given to you by Nikolai earlier crinkled and your face still coloured from the turn of events with the clown, marks on your neck barely covered by your hair as proof that you hadn't gone crazy and made up the rush you had been filled with.

It's only afternoon.

Quickly, you put high efforts into fixing up your hair, smoothing out the dress, and situating yourself so nothing could be seen unless you knew where to look, cursing yourself for allowing your wants and curiosities control you as if you were Pandora in Ancient Greece.