𝙵𝚘𝚛𝚐𝚎𝚝 𝙼𝚎 (𝙽𝚘𝚝) - 𝚉𝚊𝚛𝚛𝚢

chapter vii.

They're in the car within a minute and Harry fears the awkward silences that are surely about to come. But he wants to combat them. "Where are we headed?" he asks Zayn as they pull from the curb.

"Uh, it's this one place in Hampsted," Zayn replies. "We used to go there a lot the first few months we were dating. Almost every weekend. We'd go to a party the night before and then in the morning, you'd pull me out of bed and make me eat some healthy vegan crap instead of something good and greasy to fight the hangover," he chuckles. Harry's mouth quirks a little because it does ring a bell. "We don't have much time for fancy brunches these days, obviously. But I figured, as you said you remembered how we started off, you might remember this too."

"I do a little," Harry agrees. "Not too clearly but it's not completely strange to me. It has like a, French name, right?"

Zayn turns to him briefly, smiling. "Yeah, yeah it does. I'm really glad you remember at least these small bits."

"Me too," Harry fidgets with his wedding ring. He never used to wear rings on this finger, even if there was one on every single finger, but never this one. Now there's one allocated to it forever. "It's hard to explain, you know, how those memories come back. Because it's always just bits and pieces and I still can't get a clear picture of pretty much anything and it's really frustrating. But some things help. Photos, talking to people. I mean, I do have a degree in psychology, two apparently, but I never learned about memory loss extensively in uni. It was mostly just repressed memories in like, abuse victims. This is medical, while I focused on the behavioural side of things."

"You're getting at least some memories back, though," Zayn says, his eyes on the road. "Dr Carrey said it'd be worrying if you didn't start remembering at all and nothing could help you jog your memory. A little is better than nothing."

"Yeah, of course," Harry nods. "I just- it's hard because I'm trying to bridge together two parts of my life. One that I remember and one that I don't. Because like, I don't think I am right now who I was before the accident. Or am I?"

Zayn takes a long pause. He doesn't let his eyes stray from the road. For a moment, Harry fears he isn't going to reply at all. But he does. "It will always be you, Harry," Zayn says, turning his head to Harry as they come across a red light. "But no." Harry slumps slightly in disappointment. "You are still you but a week ago, the first thing you would've asked me is how are the kids and not where are we going. You would've been wearing your rings and you wouldn't have forgotten your necklaces because they wouldn't have left your neck in the first place. You probably would've already changed the radio station or plugged in your phone to play like, Joni Mitchell even though her music makes me drowsy when I'm driving."

"Oh," is all that Harry says a significant while later.

"It's just small things," Zayn says after a long silence. "Most people probably wouldn't notice. After being married to someone for six years, you pay attention to things not everyone does. We're also too co-dependent on each other, or we were. You would say that same thing."

Harry breathes shakily, peeling his back off the car seat. "What are some of these little things you like the most about me?" he tries to change the mood. Guilt, remorse, grief. Harry's sick of it.

Zayn lets out a small surprised laugh. "Really?" he looks at Harry. Shrugging, Harry just smiles and nods. "Okay, um, I really do love your positivity, even though it can drive me crazy sometimes, especially in the morning."

"That's nice," Harry remarks. "Good to know I haven't turned into a bitter arsehole."

"You used to be a bit bitter," Zayn drawls, as if he was deciding whether it's a good idea to mention it or not. "Back when we started dating. You weren't all sunshine and rainbows all the time. Sometimes you used to close yourself off and be smiling at people but as soon as no one was looking, or you thought so, you'd be frowning and have this line between your brows. And you'd be a bit nihilistic sometimes."