poems of a sad blur

ice

Death
Death not scary
Death not scary, does not feel sudden.

A warm welcome, a sign there's nothing more.

Memories fade around you and you try to feel the good through the pain of the moment.

Loneliness
Loneliness embraces
Loneliness embraces you with an open arm, a warm hug, that feeling you've been searching for.

you feel a warmth of a person who doesn't exist-
or who does exist? In a brain of yours that works but only for you...
a brain that sees a person in all their glory, through the rose tinted glasses he has given you.

the moment fades as you jump,
the moment fades as you hit the ice water
the moment fades as you are enveloped everywhere

your lungs, your body, your soul.

you forget the pain because you want to breathe and as soon as your head hits the surface the pain comes back.

the pain always comes back. the lost feeling returns so you jump

and you jump

and.

you.

jump.

because you hope the next time is when you forget to remember, or you hope you don't make the surface.

because no matter how you act
no matter what you say

who are still that naive girl who loved with her being.
who loved the man who deserved love but didn't deserve her.
you are still the girl who cry's when she knows she's alone.
who pushes herself towards the edge -
with the tools to change her future.

but she wants to crack,
she wants to break
she wants to feel that break in her heart
she wants to allow herself to feel the break with all she has, like she would a broken bone or a bruise.

but she will pretend
that she is strong.
Until she jumps
and finally forgets
or
embraces the ice.