poems of a sad blur

lost at twenty three

I feel so freaking lost.

I feel like a s l u g i n t h e m u d ~ lost in the concept of how I saw myself the last time I truly felt like myself

the concept of happy and healthy trapped me in a s p i r a l of mistrust and heinous convincing of compromise thinking again and again and again that I was okay.

I slowly convinced myself I was thriving - that I was growing roots in the best soil, and I had the best light to synthesise.

I lost sight of my reality because I convinced myself the future was worth more.

Reality wasn't what I thought.

Reality wasn't happiness, wasn't healthy.

I was stuck in the mud constantly allowing myself to seep lower and lower until I was drowning, and no one could save me because everyone watched the shell, and no one was looking for the inner.

I blamed individuals and then myself before I blamed him. I let my energy be drained, and my time wasted by institutions and people who treated me like I wasn't human until I was convinced, I was super. I let myself be worked over because I loved my job, or I thought I was loved, I thought I was respected

I left, I walked away.

For the first time

I walked away, and I didn't look back.

For the first time I didn't feel guilty about it.

For the first time I thought I could

breathe

I gasped for the first time in a long time.

But now I am so fucking lost.

I look at who I was before my mess, and I miss her.

I miss her essence, I miss her confidence, I miss her.

I look at her and she's all I wanted to be, she's all I ever thought I could be.

I remember being her and hoping it would only get better

She didn't know how much worse it would get.

We hold the same dream, but she would have never thought it would be mixed with this constant reality.

I can't move, I can't get out of bed.

I need a help I can't ask for and I don't know what to do.

How do you breathe when the weight has been lifted but a different weight is there?

How do you live when you're so afraid, when you feel like you are existing for everyone but yourself?

How do you exist in a world where everything is moving forward at a rapid pace?

How do you exist in a world where the comparison occurs before you know to process it?

How do you exist in a world where it feels like you are racing to catch up to not only the person you were but everyone you love around you?

How do you exist?

Then the body issues stew in, I look at her at 21 and I want that back.

I look at her and smile, she is strong, she is the epitome of healthy.

I look at her and I want to be her- she had no idea what was to come.

I look at her and I know in my heart that if she knew, she wouldn't be here

she wouldn't want to exist in this reality

I need a help I don't know how to ask for, she needs a help we can't ask for

to finish with this

"who would of thought I'd be so lost at 23..."

"oh lord take me back to 21"

~mitch james, 21.