The Pen is Mightier

February 20 2017

2/20/17

Dear Beth Cassidy,

I'm glad that you are at least smart enough to take me advice to buy "forever stamps," even if you already have them. I am most certainly not Sherlock Holmes. I am Howard David. I wish I could be Sherlock Holmes, though. I wonder if anyone has changed their name to that yet...

Your work in end markings astounds me. I sincerely hope that you receive your PhD in that magnanimous subject sooner rather than later. Just make sure you don't forget me when you become rich and famous from it, alright?

The paragraph to which I am about to reply took me on a roller coaster ride from beginning to end. I shall try to conceive a coherent response.

Clichés definitely have uses in life. After all, there's most likely a reason they became cliché, even if that reason is just that it's true. I'm not exactly sure how "the pen is mightier" phrase came into being. But now that I have use the all powerful Google, I shall seek to enlighten you. Ahem.

"The sentence (if not the idea, which had been expressed in various earlier forms) was coined by English author Edward Bulwer-Lytton in 1839 for his play Richelieu; Or the Conspiracy. The play was about Cardinal Richelieu, though in the author's words "license with dates and details... has been, though not unsparingly, indulged." The Cardinal's line in Act II, scene II, was more fully:

True, This! -
Beneath the rule of men entirely great
The pen is mightier than the sword. Behold
The arch-enchanters wand! - itself is nothing! -
But taking sorcery from the master-hand
To paralyse the Cæsars, and to strike
The loud earth breathless! - Take away the sword -
States can be saved without it!"

Thanks Wikipedia. So basically your use of the cliché is a misinterpretation of the original text. That is truly shameful.

I guess I am the "let-me-die-so-you-can-live" type of person. I suppose that's just how I've always been. I didn't know that it was such an attractive trait that Claire specifically looked for in a potential boyfriend. (I have not yet received any anonymous letters today, period, but I will keep an eye out. (I think I make up for you using double parentheses both by using them myself and by inserting the word "period" into a sentence, and then continuing the same sentence without putting a period. If that makes sense. Or if it bothers you even.) I will do everything I can to refrain from telling Claire that she is obsessed with me.)

I wasn't aware that I was channeling any specific events into my experience of pain in this life that I wouldn't mind escaping. Perhaps it was a subconscious thing. I'm sure I would feel more than comfortable trusting you with some of my deeper secrets if I had any that I was thinking of, but at the moment my mind is a bit blank. But yes. Death is a last resort, used only to save someone else.

I'm pleased that you're glad that I'm glad that you found my spiel on end parentheses interesting. My attempt to make you insane may have brought me a sort of joy in the end, but apparently I failed to achieve my goal of making you insane. I must find a different way to do that. Don't worry about rethinking your career. I was simply trying to say that your arguments are very vivid and tangible and engaging, just like your narrations. It was meant as praise for your debating skills, not as a dis on your story telling. Sorry for the confusion. Although maybe you could be a lawyer...

I still disagree with you concerning the parentheses dilemma, but, as you said, seeing as neither you nor I will soon be experiencing this phenomenon known as "Death" in a manner which allows us to inform the other of a definite conclusion, perhaps it would be best to let it go. However, your cringe-inducing grammatical error certainly served as an adequate demonstration of why people trying to force closure on someone else's story doesn't work, and I applaud you on that. Grammar is such a good analogy to life.

If you find a professor of parenthetical analysis, please tell me. I would like to meet them personally and shake their hand. Oh and my mom would most certainly be proud of her son becoming a professional parenthesis analyst. (That fake conversation made me laugh. A lot.)

Give James my condescending laughter. Congratulations on getting a second date with him. I look forward to hearing all of the mishaps that are sure to ensue. (Please don't burn down the theater with your popcorn. That would be bad.)

Ouch. Okay. I understand. No more grammatical mistakes, I promise! Also, ouch to the fact that you called me stupid. It hurt my feelings.

You and James will remember that first date for a long time, I'm sure. Sorry for laughing about the pastry going into your face, but honestly, that part cracked me up. You and James should get hired as a part of a slapstick comedy routine. All you have to do is go out on dates and pretend like it's an act to get money.

Well I told my parents that you were staying the summer and they were cool with it. You just have to pay a little rent, and that's it. And yes. I came down to Cali for Christmas because my parents thought that going on a cruise without me would be more enjoyable. They were probably right. Here's the drawing of the friendship triangle you requested.

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Inserted was a drawing of a triangle. One point was labelled "Beth Cassidy," another was labelled "James," and the third, "Howard." Off to the side was a point, which Beth described as being "intentionally lonely," with the label "Claire," next to a "poorly drawn reconstruction of the state of California."

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I guess we can still mail each other. Eh. (You're not a secret Canadian spy, are you? That might complicate the friendship triangle I drew.) I'm glad to know you won't be shooting me for not transferring to California. I'll try not to make any other enemies. Especially not any Canadian spy enemies...

You guys are spoiled with your outdoor pools. That story of you saving a ladybug almost made me cry tears of joy. And then I realized that you probably killed the ladybug by giving it CPR. You crushed its tiny chest to death. I agree with your statement about drowning. It would probably be one of the scariest moments because really, if there's nothing you can do to take a breath, then death is really imminent, and you essentially have to make a choice. A scary choice. Honestly, just thinking about that is scaring me. But at the same time, I think it would be a little bit peaceful, because you know that you're going to die, and you would have a moment before you take a breath where you could think about your life and what you might have done differently.

Yup. Sorry my answers to your questions have left you more in the dark than you ever thought you would be. But yes. My favorite Disney Princess is my most closely guarded secret. No one can know. Ever. Until my final hours. So now it's my turn to ask you.

1.) Any deep dark secrets?

2.) Any long lost boyfriends?

3.) Any CIA intel that you can part with?

4.) Favorite Disney Prince?

I had a hot date with Troy and Gabriella and my couch. Zefron was my valentine. I mean, that hot bod. Who can resist it? But yeah, basically I wasn't doing anything for Valentine's Day and there was a High School Musical marathon on tv, so yeah. That happened. (I would say Zefron is my favorite Disney Princess, but I feel like that would be cheating. Because he's not a princess.) As for the "juicy details" you requested, I had a glass of apple juice. Is that juicy enough for you?

Your FTBfL (Friendship Triangle Buddy for Life),

Howard Davis

P.S. I'm glad you approve of communicating via physical mail. Still.

P.P.S. Ah. I hope you removed any of the chocolates with peanuts. He's allergic to peanuts. I hope you already know that.

P.P.P.S. I hate all "P.S."s too.

P.P.P.P.S. Just remember Sharpay's fabulous advice of "Humuhumunukunukuapua'a." Not sure if it's technically advice, but just pretend like it is.