Desperate Witness of a Risen Dead

CHAPTER XXVI

It took her three weeks to reply. In the meanwhile I decided to meet my childhood friend again, her name was Claudia. I wanted to exit from my obsession, but I didn’t want to meet her just for that, it’s a secondary thing. We’ve been friends for such a long time and we stopped meeting suddenly with no reason. I wanted to make her happy and I thought it was a very good thing to do. I passed by her house many times and one day I found the courage to text her.
She was really happy to hear me again and we started meeting.
I think I liked her and I was thinking about being with her.
In the meanwhile Jiwoo replied my long message, she said she understood my feelings, that I shouldn’t worry, because it’s not my fault, but that’s she’s done of our relationship and our situation and thought we can’t be friends anymore.
I still had some things to ask her before though, one was her voice, because even if I asked her, she had never sent me it. She probably forgot because she was too busy. The other one is why does she think so, does she feel too bad or she wants to go because, as she told me, in Korea exes can’t be friends? I also told her some positive things, that I found this girl I like, that my obsession was now lower and that thanks to Jiwoo I feel complete, because of everything I learnt.
But she didn’t reply.
I didn’t feel guilty because I really did my best those days, I respected her and myself too, so I was sure for the first time I had nothing to feel guilty about. Even she said it, I couldn’t be more sure. So I decided just to not think about it anymore and think about other things. Anything was more important than that by now. I had done everything I could and that was great, I could feel proud about it.
Then one day I found a video on YouTube casually, it was about Buddhism. It was very interesting, because it was saying that what makes humans suffer is thinking everything is divided from the other thing, that a table is a table, that a bed is a bed, that I am I and that you are you. The truth is that this things are an illusion given by the language, to communicate we invented the language, but the language divides things from each other while in truth everything is just one only thing called the everything. I am not I, I am part of the everything, you’re not you, you’re part of the everything. People are not single drops, they’re one only thing, they’re a river that flows. So if ego doesn’t exist since only the everything exists, all the pains cease, fear of death, needing to protect yourself…
Knowing this I decided to do a thing I had been thinking about. I was thinking of writing a farewell message to Jiwoo, but till that moment I had repressed my excessive goodness in order to protect my dignity that I had never protected till that moment, but when I realized the things I talked about before, I realized that whenever I missed her, I was blind, because I didn’t realize we had always been together and protecting your dignity is right, but since this is the very last message, it’s ok to make an exception. Now I might feel angry, but in the end I’m glad she has been part of my life, imt glad we’ve loved each other so much. “It is beautiful and terrible how two people, separed by seas and a million people can love each other and struggle so deeply”
That was a part of what a person on Last Ship replied to me.
Our relationship had been something great so I wanted to thank her
And I wrote:
“Hi! I wanted to write this message, it's not long, so don't worry. I thought it was important for me to give you a last farewell, it is important for me to make sure you don't feel bad or worry about me, because I feel good despite everything, and I wanted to say thanks for everything, as I said, with you I found completeness and I learned a lot with you, I couldn't ask for more.
Now we have to be apart, for our good, so you don't need to reply to any message.
Be careful and have a good Christmas :)
Bless you!”
I wrote that at 1:00 am and she replied me at 10:00 am
But I didn’t notice it, because I had hidden the app, afraid of being ignored or being victim of her anger and, most of all, to lower my obsession.
I didn’t receive any notification, the app probably doesn’t work good.