Desperate Witness of a Risen Dead

CHAPTER II

The 3rd year of school had finished and I was so happy. I remember I was so passionate about Korea that I decided to subscribe to a Taekwondo course. I have great memories about it, about the Masters and my friends there, Francesco, Alessandro… I should never forget them. I remember one day I told one of them about Jiwoo, I was so proud to love her and Korea so much, it made me feel so proud. I was so proud about Jiwoo, she was the kind of person you could come back to after feeling done of mean people in the world and just by hearing a word of hers you felt so happy, like in heaven
At school I read about Dante and Beatrice. My dream was to make her my Beatrice, even if we would have never been a couple, loving her secretly was enough for me, what she gave me without even knowing it was so precious for me. What poets were talking about is not a lie, those kind of people really exist.

But despite everything there is a thing about my past that I have to tell
I was a very faithful Christian. I loved to read the Bible and know more about it, I loved how God loves us, His Love is the most overwhelming and positive thing that a human being could imagine. I decided to read the Bible when I was about 11 or 12 years old if I’m not wrong. Till that moment I had always loved God for his Mercy, for all the good things of the world. Everytime I felt lonely, not loved by anyone, by my friends who seemed to never care about me, I knew He was always with me, with us, and that He loved me, in the most powerful way a human being could ever imagine. He made me cry so many times, cry for happiness, sometimes I think I’ve even saw him, in front of my window, but I’m never sure about the miracles I’ve seen. They always look like just my imagination.
The problem was that the Bible gave me lots of doubts, lots of insecurities. In many points it contradicted itself, I knew I interpretating it literally is wrong, but still there were things I couldn't understand.
There was a rule in the Evangelion that said you should not get angry with your neighbor, but I could never understand it.
I was so full of doubts and I’ve always felt so guilty, what if I’m doing the bad thing? What if today, even if I didn’t notice it, there was something bad that I did? What if I’m blind and I can’t understand it? How do I know when I’m right and when I’m wrong?
I’ve never been able to give an answer to this questions and it made me suffer so much, I’ve always suffered, felt like a sinner everyday, I hated myself for all the times I didn’t manage to do what I believed should be done, what I did was never enough. It’s a point of view that probably even my dad taught to me, everytime I do a thing, he always tells me how should I do it to do it better and that made me become a person who always give the maximum and more, I didn’t know my limits, it was never enough, never enough, always tried to do my best, even better, even better. The only place where I didn’t exaggerate was probably school, there you have marks and you know when you give enough, but in real life there’s no reliable judge, no one who can tell you “You did well” or “You had to give more” in an absolute and objective way. If you ask people they will always affect their judgement with their impressions of you and their feelings. Some may praise you too much, unaware of your dark side, some are strict or just hate you.