Desperate Witness of a Risen Dead

CHAPTER XVIII

On those days, probably like a fool, like a hypocrite,
I needed to do something good,
I needed to find a way to know I’m not a monster,
I needed to be forgiven, I couldn’t forgive myself,
So I decided to take some clothes and bring them to charity
I wanted to give away all the things I don’t need,
When my mum found it out and talked with me about it,
She was saying I was crazy to be so obstinate,
That she would have maybe had to bring me to a psychologist.
I had read on the Bible that charity and offers should be done not for praise,
As if you left hand doesn’t know what your right hand is doing
I was too shy to bring my clothes to the people at charity,
I felt too useless and horrible to show up in front of people,
Especially people like them and people I didn’t know,
I didn’t want to bother and persecute their lives.
So at night I took my bike, rode to the charity and threw the clothes in there.
I also put a ticket near there, to make them understand it’s a gift,
With also a little kind of letter to the people of charity.
When I came back at home the air of that night inspired me to write something:

Bells were ringing,
Streets empty,
Night deep,
People whispering.
Here he is, crossing the arch,
Here he is, crossing the bridge,
No one knows him,
No one understands him,
Like a thief in the night,
Like an assassin on the roof,
Like a ninja running,
Like a terrorist charging.
Here he comes,
He didn’t come to steal,
But to give eight clothes,
Hoping to make that thing, his dream, come true.
While coming back from his mission,
That false goodness air was disturbing him,
But the night’s air was calmer now,
He didn’t want to be seen,
Even if he did a good thing,
Because he knew that if he did it for praise
It would have been a vain effort
And since he was a thief by trade,
He came back singing:
“I bought a light jewel for 8 clothes!
I bought a light jewel for 8 clothes!”
A treasure that shines in the kingdom of heavens,
A treasure that never gets rusty and never gets ruined,
A treasure that despite being small
Shines forever and forevermore.

It may sound selfish that all I say here is just “I”, “I” and “I”,
But it’s just part of the story and actually I had never been selfish at all in this period,
Just I was proud of what I had done that night
And I was proud that I was going on to fight against my demons,
Even if I really hated myself actually,
Even if I wanted to die and stop bothering the world with my presence and existence.
If I didn’t kill myself, I wanted to become a hermit,
Where I could be imprisoned,
Far far away,
In the core of a deep forest on the highest mountain,
Where maybe only 1000 years later
Some unlucky man would have found my mummy and my ashes.