My thoughts never gave me rest,
She was by now my constant thought,
When I used to go to school I couldn’t study because I was in ecstasy when I was thinking about her
And I didn’t want to stop,
I was an addicted
And now I can’t stop,
I can’t stop to blame myself,
Hate myself,
Doubt about myself
And about what is right and what is wrong,
About what I could have done better
What should I learn…
I searched on the internet and I learnt a very important thing of my life:
The difference between thinking and dwelling.
Dwelling was what I was doing,
Dwelling is when you think and think and think,
When you overthink searching for causes,
But never engaging seriously to find a solution to your problems,
Just walking around an apple with no rest like a cursed soul.
Thinking is searching for a solution.
From that day I learnt what it meant to think,
I started to stop thinking about things too much,
I started to make appointment with my own thoughts,
If I was around at 14:00 and I started worrying about my ex,
But I decided I would think about it for an hour at 16:00,
I would have thought: “It’s not a problem, you don’t have to feel guilty
If you don’t think about it now,
For two reasons:
1) By now you always think about it even without noticing it, so you always think about it enough
2) If you think now, you won’t be focused enough to find good solutions, you will think all day long and just suffer and find no solution to your problems, so just think about it later”
That was what I used to tell myself.
I planned to wait for two years before contacting Jiwoo again,
Because another thing I learnt is that time loves,
Time makes old men smile on the pains of their youth,
Time makes bad memories small and sweet,
Time is Love blessing our hearts and telling us:
“Remember mercy”
It makes a tear fall from your eye and say: “Maybe I behaved too badly”
It makes you understand that there’s nothing more vain than everlasting anger and hatred,
Hatred can only exist when there is no communication.
Time,
Time is what makes change possible,
Time is the accomplishment of Love.
YOU ARE READING
Desperate Witness of a Risen Dead
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