A Collection of My Mind

A Mind You'll Never Understand

Dear the person who cares,

I really trust no one. I honestly don't even trust you. When I trust people, they find a way to hurt me. I wish someone showed me that there still were people to trust in the world, but I find it hard to. When you first meet me I seem so quiet, but strong. I'm not. I'm weak... But I'm strong enough to keep going because I've created a future for myself that I won't let anyone take away from me.

I shouldn't be complaining though. I mean, my life is perfect right? I'm not abused, physically or mentally.. well not anymore, but not by my family. I've never been raped, sexual harrassment was never an issue either. So why do I hate the world around me? Why is it so hard for me to plaster a smile on my face and actually mean it?

Did you know the more someone smiles, the more pain they've been through? I've practiced smiling and no one can tell the difference except for my mom.

And again I shouldn't be complaining right? But here I am, writing out my thoughts whether you care or not. Which I'm guessing you don't. I'm a good kid, most of the time. I've never done drugs or drank alcohol. the only piercings I have are my ears. I'm good at school. But even behind the good, bad seems to creep in and destroy everything.

People find it easy to hurt me. People have never had much of a liking to me. I've been bullied.. just like every other kid in the world. I've been called names, and some I've started to believe are true. Suicide used to be the only thing I thought about. How I wanted it to happen and when. Cutting was what I did to keep me sane. I started to push people away to protect them from me. I felt like a monster. It was hard to keep me grounded, but some people were able to. They kept telling me that this wasn't the end. There is still more to this life than these people. Because one day these people won't matter, and they were right. They don't matter. Not to me.

People started to take a liking to me again, but not because they know me. It's because they've read my surface and thought it was acceptable, but still I'd keep my distance. What if they found out what I was really like? They wouldn't like me the same way, and if they did, it's because they were like me in some way.

I've been compared because I'm not as great as my cousin. I envy her just as much as I love her. Because compared to her, I'm nothing. Worthless. She's made a future that my family accepts, but my future they don't even care about. They've lost faith in me since my insane relapse. I've gotten better, and I've told them multiple times. They don't believe me. They think I'm a joke, and maybe they're right. I am a joke. A joke with a false dream.

I know I won't get far with the attitude that I hold. But I've kept a positive attitude towards what I want most.

Isn't it odd that even when I'm surrounded by people, I still feel alone? I feel like I'll be a burden to people so I keep my thoughts to myself, causing me to crumble inside. I've been told that I'm pathetic for the things I've done, so when my friends smile, I smile along just to keep them happy. But I've also been told not to keep my thoughts and feelings inside because it's no good for me. It's like I'm killing myself slowly, but I'll do it for you. For them. I'll pretend that everything is going great just so that I can see people around me smile.

I rather let the world light up around me and have me be the dark spot, then shine when everyone else is dark. I forgive people no matter how much they hurt me, and I'm yelled at for that. I've even lost friends because of it. People deserve second chances, but life doesn't give you a second chance so why do I? Another reason why people think less of me. It's not because I'm desperate to be accepted, it's because I just keep believing that they're actually people in the world that I can concider a friend. Which I've realized I can't. And it's not always because they hurt me, but because I don't want people to have to suffer my annoyance and my complexity that I don't wish upon anyone. The last time I called someone a "best friend" was in the seventh grade. Since then, I've never had one.

I'll never blame anyone for anything because I'll find a reason to blame myself just to save them the guilt.

And even after everything I do for you, you'll never acknowledge it and pretend like it's something people do for you everyday. I'll be honest, I'm a person willing to do anything to make someone happy, but I'll never ask for anything in return. If you smile, then I know I've done good. It would just be nice to be given a simple 'thank you' every once in a while so that I know I'm not as worthless as I think I am.

By now, you have a word in your head expressing what kind of person you think I am. It could be negative or postive, but even after this, I'm still the same 'pathetic' person you'll refer to me as. And that's okay. It wouldn't even matter if you cared, because I'm not expecting you to. I don't expect anyone to. So when I tell you I'm 'tired' or when you ask me if something's wrong and I say 'nothing' you'll figure out I'm lying. And maybe there will be a day that I am tired and there is nothing wrong with me, but when I say these words don't try pressuring me to tell you anything, because it won't work. I hold this to myself because I'm protecting you. Protecting my family. And Protecting the strangers that will one day meet me.

So hopefully one day you'll 

Believe In Me ♥