Almost 13

Chapter 4: Llena de emoción / Lots of Feelings

Marisol's POV

Current Mood: "November Rain" by Guns 'N Roses

"And when your fears subside

And shadows still remain, oh yeah

I know that you can love me

When there's no one left to blame

So never mind the darkness

We still can find a way

'Cause nothin' lasts forever

Even cold November rain..."

I was in a funk.  I stared at the TV screen as Axl Rose screeched out the lyrics to November Rain and felt the grip of his despair reaching into my soul. I was in my parent's room - my hiding spot on most afternoons - feeling like the loneliest (almost) teen in the world. Sure, I had friends at school but in the summers, we all went our separate ways to camps, vacations or other stuff and I found myself disconnected and lonely.  Thank God for MTV. My little sister Rocio would take over the other TV in the living room and watched kid shows I was no longer interested in watching.  And Susana was usually pampering herself in her room or talking on the phone with her friends.  Ugh. I wish I had a best friend.

I focused on the supermodel in the November Rain video who played Axl's sad bride and wondered if she ever ate. Why the eff was everything about looking like her?  Last summer when I turned twelve, I became hyper aware of two things - boys and my body.  

My goal in life had always been to be invisible and bring the least amount of attention to myself as possible.  Kids teased in my ESL classes for getting the best grades and then teased me for my accent when I transitioned into regular, English classes.  I was an expert at blending in.  But today, I definitely didn't succeed in accomplishing that in gymnastics class. Earlier that afternoon, one of the gymnastics instructors had humiliated me for my body in front of the whole class. She might as well have called me "fat girl".

I didn't even like gymnastics and blamed my parents for forcing me to go to a stupid gymnastics class with my sisters. See, they had this habit of putting all of us in the same classes, regardless of whether we all actually wanted to go or not. Susana and Rocio were all smiles and giggles about going to gymnastics with their skinny little bodies, but I dreamed about freshly sharpened drawing pencils in art class. But no. I was forced to do the last thing in the world I wanted to do - squeeze my ass into a skin-tight leotard while surrounded by girls half my size.

I should have known gymnastics would suck extra hard that day when I noticed my regular instructor was nowhere in sight. He was super chill and recognized my lack of Olympic aspirations in class, so he would always let me practice at my own pace. Today was different. Instead of my usual our usual coach, we had the Tiny Terror.

Now, I'm sure in her prime, Coach Terror was some kind of decorated gymnast but to me, she was just mean.

After nearly throwing up during warm-up, Coach Terror had us take turns doing back-bend flip-overs. Crap. I was not at that level. I could do a back-bend, but only barely and not that steady. Panic began to set in.  I tugged at my leotard which suddenly felt two sizes too small. 

I watched the first half of of the girls in our group stand in front of the entire class and take their turns doing their flips. I twirled my hair with anxiety.  Then, it was finally my turn. Coach Terror pointed at me and motioned I stand.  I got up and stood sideways in front of her. I did a wobbly backbend fairly easily and tried to steady myself.

I had only been in the bridge position for a few seconds but I could already feel all of the blood rushing to my face.  I felt like I was going to pop.  Coach Terror told me to "kick-over" and my face scrunched up with effort.