I recoiled in horror at seeing the strange creature, falling backwards and smashing a wooden chair underneath me. Everything around me was spinning violently as I flayed about, looking for a way out of the room. Frantically, I scrambled off the stone floor and ran for the door. It felt like the world had exploded around me, a deluge of strange sounds, voice, colors and images rushing past me in a complete and utter blur. The morning air was ice cold on my skin and I did not look where was running to till I collided with a massive block of a man. He was obese and stinking of cheap beer. I landed with a thump on the cobblestone floor and looked up in panic at him.
“Watch it!” He shouted at me, waving his fist as I jumped to my feet and tore down the narrow, rubbish filled street again. My breath was racing in exhaustion as I dived into a nearby alley and hid behind a stack of wooden crates.
“Where am I? What happened to my village? The Roman centurion and the lightning bolt, it was the last thing I remember. Is this a nightmare?” My head was pounding as I tried to make sense of it all.
“Are we quite done with our little existential crises? Can we move this circus on now?” A drawling voice sounded up behind me as I swung around suddenly. A thin red creature with horns and a long tail was sitting on a nearby crate and smoke was coming out of his mouth. He calmly put out his cigar and hopped down, walking over to me. Reaching blindly behind me, I grabbed a plank and held it before me, waving it menacingly in his face.
“Violence is such a cliché. Really darling, come on now.” The thing said, crossing his arms and tapping his claw in agitation.
“Stay back demon! What are you? I warn you, keep your distance.” I felt the soft form of Adelmar by my feet as he growled softly at the monster. The little cub had bravely followed me to wherever I was.
“Me? I’m what you might call an ungodly concierge service. The name’s Larousse. My card.” A bright red flame flicked up from his claw and a small piece of paper appeared. He carefully handed it over to me, still weary of the plank in my hand.
“I can barely read and I don’t understand this language. You still haven’t told me what you want.” I threw down the card in agitation before it turned to ashes and disappeared.
“I’ll tell you but can we cool it with the potential blunt force trauma to my skull? That’s a good girl now.” Replied the creature as he conjured up another cigar. I lowered the plank but never took my eyes off him.
“Now as you hopefully remember, you were about to be snuffed by that greasy Roman hairball back in your village when the Four Horsemen, well they seemed to have taken a liking to you and basically transported you through time. Now War and the soul sucking bitch troll I call my boss made a little bet. Long story short, he said that you would be able to survive anything that came across your path and finally make it home, no matter the age or circumstances. She said that you would never make it and lose your soul along the way.”
“My soul?” I asked in shock.
“Yes, now shut up and let me continue. Basically Death wants your soul to torment and torture for all eternity and now yours truly is stuck in the middle of all this. It’s most likely payback for me pissing her off somewhere down the line. That or she remembers what I did at the last office Christmas party. Anyhoo, I’m here to guide you and make sure the bet lasts longer than you just dying after you walk out of the first random house. I got the short odds with a couple of hell guards on you not making it for long but its coolsies. Did you get all that or am I working with a special needs child here?”
“I…I don’t understand. Why me? What makes me so special?” I asked confused.
“Well it seems you caught favor with ol Famine upstairs when you saved that ball of fur at your feet. You know how she is, it’s all let’s save the planet and dance around naked in a field before having a communal boink in the forest. Bunch of Hippy crap if you ask me. She saw something in you that I personally don’t see but who am I to judge? You still with me sunshine?”
