Choking on Diamonds

Twenty Seven

I hated the was people wept for someone they didn't even know. It made me sick to my stomach to watch attention whores show up in mourners clothes to listen to a eulogy for a man they hadn't even known the name of. Was death that impersonal that complete aliens could pity you? That's not respect and grievance, that making yourself feel like a good person. If I died, this is the last thing I would have wanted.

And as I stood outside of an auditorium filling with family members and random high schoolers who wanted to cry, I knew I couldn't take those steps inside. Duke had wronged me in one of the worst ways. He destroyed my life to a point where I felt like I could never come back. Yet I still sympathized him for his pain. I know what it's like to look in the mirror and hate yourself. I know what it's like to feel like a living disappointment to everyone around you. I've seen what depression can do to a person. I've seen what drug addiction can do to them too. And deep down, I know that's why Duke did it. He needed the side money to finance his addiction without his parents noticing. No one should ever feel the pain Duke did alone, but no one should ever do what he did to me. It was an unwinable situation for a suicide I would have never expected. Duke was a successful athlete, he had friends, he was going to be the valedictorian, and he had money. He didn't give a shit about drama, he liked to party sometimes, but he was a responsible kid. I never noticed the self harm scars or the emptiness in his eyes. I was part of the problem. I had looked away when I shouldn't have.

I was just like every other sorry mother fucker here. Useless.

Anyone and everyone can fall off the rails; Duke was no exception to that.

"So are we going to go in or stand outside the entire time?"

My attention flickered from the door to Sydney as she stood beside Will, watching me look extremely confused. Will would go in regardless; they were family friends. But I couldn't shake the feeling I helped become a tipping point for Duke. I didn't deserve to be here but at the same time I thought he was my friend in until recently. I trusted him enough to go with him that night when I shouldn't have; I had given Duke the responsibility of my life ima way. It doesn't matter that he failed me; what mattered is that I trusted him. I just wish he trusted me enough to tell someone about his pain. Like and Morgan couldn't help him but I could have. Will could have. Hunter could have.

"I don't think I can." My eyes shifted to Will. "Go find Hunter. Duke needs people that actually cared about him to drown out everyone else." This is the last way I would want to be honored if I died. It was pitiful.

Will looked at me like he didn't want to go at first but his relenting mind and moral responsibility took over as he pressed his lips together and gave me a sad nod. "I'll see you later, Kyra." His fleeting hand on my shoulder left as he went into the memorial service. When he was out of earshot, Syd turned back to me.

"Let's get out of here. You don't want to be here."

And so I allowed my best friend to lead me out of the school building and the lobbyesque area surrounding the auditorium out into the half filled parking lot. Duke had only died two days ago but the turn around was massive. Not a single person from around here hadn't heard of it. Like I said, it wasn't often that Valedictorians overdosed.

"I don't know why I'm sad," I admitted to Syd, my feet tipping on the crib as I lowered myself to the ground. Maybe someone would hit me and I could forget about this whole mess that is my life. "Duke ended his pain. He saved himself from a world of hurt."

Everyone thinks you can just leave but you can't. These people would still talk about you like you were a ghost. They would still find you and discover ways to make you feel bad. This society followed you; the power and gossip of the one percent was all knowing. It reached every crevice of society. I could move to Alaska and open a fishing shop and I'd still find people from the past bleeding into my next life. It was endless; everyone knew everyone. If you failed your family resented you and then you truly had nothing left. If they wanted to, the people in this town could stop you from ever getting a job ever again.

"Death isn't sad to me; it's just shocking. Don't let that confuse you," Syd muttered. Death didn't matter. It happened to all of us. We lived and then died a lonely death. How many of us would be with someone in our last movements? Very few. How many of us would even have anyone left? We were born alone; our parents only had us because it made them happy. They could claim they liked kids or they wanted to raise children all they wanted, but it doesn't change the fact that we didn't ask to be born; we can never choose that. We were alone because our parents were selfish. This world is a horrible place yet they chose to introduce another person to it.

My parents needed an heir, that's it. Few people would ever be able to understand it, but money was worth nothing. You needed enough to survive and nothing more. No one with too much money was truly happy. All it did was morph people into monsters. It made added too much pressure. Money was a nuisance. The richer you were, the more you listed for endless amounts. The more you were surrounded by it, the more desperate you grew. It was a volatile circle.

"I don't know if we'll ever know if Duke actually meant to kill himself," I murmured. "If I was his sister it would kill me inside not to know."

"He's never coming back. It doesn't matter; at least it shouldn't. It wouldn't change anything today if he meant to or if it was an accident."

"You can act as cold as you want, Sydney, but you know that isn't true," the familiar voice of Hunter Khan draw my attention as the two of us looked over our shoulders at the Caribbean man in a suit. 

"Aren't you supposed to be in there?" Syd asked curiously as Hunt took a seat on the side of the road beside me.

"Duke was my friend but he did some fucked up things. I can't help but feel like having a moral complex in the middle of his ceremony is more disrespectful than simply leaving. At least I can say I tried." I watched carefully as we reached into his pocket and tossed me a Poland Springs water bottle. "Figured someone would need this today; looks like it's you, Klein."

I didn't break my bright eyes from his dark ones as I uncapped the water bottle and unflinchingly gulped down more than a shot of vodka.  "Drinking away your problems isn't the best habit."

"It's not a habit if you only do it once," Syd replied easily, accepting the thing plastic vessel without hesitation. "Then again, I said the same thing about my juul," she shrugged before throwing back her head and taking a gulp even bigger than mine.

"It will be a miracle if we don't get arrested today," I muttered as we essentially took shots on school property during a memorial service for a man that played a role in my rape. What part of that isn't fucked up beyond belief?

"At least we'll do it together."

Such a consolation, Khan. I feel so much better now.