DONAVAN

Chapter 5: Dead and Dying

Walking through the run down town of Erbil, the capital of Kurdistan, in Iraq. Bodies lay in the street, dismembered and wrecked. My men and I made our way through the wreckage. Stepping over body parts. A boy sat huddled down beside a body. Tears ran down his dirt smudged face. He met my eyes and began to shake. I knelt down in front of him.

"Hey little buddy, come on." I said, out stretching my hand.

He hesitated, unsure of me but he soon came and wrapped his arms around me and cried even harder.

"Please, save my Mommy. She won't move." He cried.

A gun shot erupted and at first I thought I been shot. I looked down at my hands, blood coated them. It was then I realized that the boy was limp in my arms. The whole front of my uniform was coated with blood, his blood. I preformed the first action that came to my mind, I sat the boy down next to his mother.

The memory it me all the sudden. I was on my way home from the VA. There was no trigger or anything, it just happened. I debated on weather to call Kayla. She said I could, but I didn't want to become a bother to her. I boarded the subway train and found a seat. Several people entered the train and found their seats. Some one had to sit right beside me. I placed my hand on my gun, just in case I needed to use it. The man shifted in his seat beside me. He gave a brief glance at me and smiled. I gave a nod before resting my head on the window. Once back home I made my way to my room. My Mother came up the stairs and lingered in the door way for a few moments.

"How did the session go?" She asked.

"It went okay, after I calmed down. She's a nice lady and she sure knows what she's doing." I said.

"That's good."

"She wants me to go back next week and talk some more."

"That sounds like a good idea, Jason. I'm glad you're getting help."

I gave a sly smile and nodded.

"I just hope it works out, mom."

She came and sat down beside me.

"I hope it does too, Jason. I'll be down stairs if you need me."

"Okay, mom. Love you."

"Love you too, Jason."

******

That night I lay in bed, unable to sleep. I rolled over on my side and I swore I saw that little Iraqi boy standing in the corner of my room. His eyes were a pale brown and his body and hands were coated with blood splatter. I turned over and pulled the covers over my head.

"Get ahold of yourself, Jason." I mumbled to myself. "Now isn't the time to fall apart."

Then he spoke.

"Why didn't you save my Mommy?"

In a blind panic, I shot up from bed, raced down the hall and slammed the bathroom door. I was shaking.

"Shit! First Danny and now some dead Iraqi boy? Why me? Damn it, why me?"

I glanced up to see Danny leaning against the bathroom counter. He had a worried look in his eyes. He never said a word, just looked at me. I held his gaze for a long time and finally spoke.

"What the hell do you want, Danny? I'm sorry alright. I didn't mean I let you die or that little boys mother or him I fucked up okay. I fucked up!" I didn't realize I was yelling or crying until my Father slammed his fist against the door.

"Jason, what the hell are you doing! Come here and talk to us." He said, fear in his voice.

"Jase when are you going to let the war go, huh. It's not heathy on you or Mom and Dad. I know your getting help and all but you need to stop dwelling on the war. It's over and done with."

"What else do you want me to do, Danny. I'm doing everything I can. Why didn't they just fucking kill me when they had the chance? They had several."

"Because you're meant to do something more in this life time, Jase. You'll see."

Danny took the little Iraqi boy's hand and they were gone. I buried my head in my hands and let out a shuddery breath.

"Jason, if you don't open up this goddamn door, I'm going to break it down!" My Father snapped.

I opened the door and stepped out. I limped down the stairs and collapsed on the sofa. My Mother came and sat beside me. She didn't say a word, she just wrapped me into a tight hug.

"I don't understand why the damn Iraqis didn't take my life too. They took my men's lives and Danny's.... I failed them. I let Danny die and Kyle and that little Iraqi boy and...."

"Jason, I'm taking you back to the hospital. This isn't right."

"Just leave me alone. I need to be alone." I got up and walked outside, fumbling with my phone, I called Kayla.

The phone rang and rang but she never answered. It was 2:30 in the damn morning, that's why she didn't answer.

"You stupid idiot." I said to myself.

******

As the week went on the more I thought. The more I dwelled on the war. Every little detail about the Iraqi boy, my men, the man that killed Danny, and Danny came more often and urgent. Often with little or no warning. The hallucinations got worse and insomnia became my friend. My parents could tell I wasn't sleeping or eating. I began to drink heavily again. I became a shell of a man. One who did good to get through the day without having a mental break down. I wanted to just lay in bed all day and fantasize about all the ways I could end my life. Make it quick and painless. I took my dog tags in my hand and held them tight. A framed picture caught my attention. It was taken right before Danny and I left for Iraq. Danny had his left arm draped over my shoulder and his AK-47 in right hand. He had a smirk on his face and his green eyes gleamed with determination. I stood beside him, tall and proud. A firm yet, playful smile on my lips. Danny always joked that I took my job as an FBI Agent too seriously. I did, but that was because I cared. I was sent over to Iraq to help the civilians. Never in my wildest dreams would I thought I would of been joining the U.S. Military and fighting along side some of the most highly trained men. Once I lost my brother, it became so much more than helping civilians. That's why a few of the soldiers I'd grown close too came to help me infiltrate the Iraqi Military base. In order to find the man reasonable for killing Danny. I lead them into that mess and I couldn't lead them out. I referred to them as my men because they took to me as the one in charge. I was hurt and all of them were killed. I am dying inside. Why couldn't anyone see. I am dying and without anyone who truly understands I'll soon be dead.