URGENT (Book 2 of the Soundcrush Series)

Chapter 52: Mama Bears Clean Up Messes

New POV here--Adam's Mom!!!!

Joely

From the doorway I watch Adam lying sideways across the bed, an arm filled with bracelets flung across his eyes, his chest still heaving from retching in the bathroom. Is that all that's going on with him? A stomach situation? Maybe.

Some sort of pain or discomfort? Not sure.

Exhaustion...I'm pretty sure about that part. Exhaustion from a long night partying? Or is MacKenna the source of his exhaustion? Is he weary of fighting the girl, fighting for them? I don't know.

I don't know the answers to these question, and I don't know how to help him.

It used to be easier to know what he needed. A kiss and a cuddle. A nap. A time-out. A soft encouragement. A story and a snuggle at bedtime. A little help tying his shoes. A home-cooked meal. A strict time to start his homework. An unwavering insistence he practice piano. A kick in the butt to clean his room. A fearless driving instructor. A soft shoulder for his first heartbreak. A cheer from the sidestage. A gentle, releasing approval to go be what he wanted, what he needed to be, but not what his father and I had imagined for him.

I knew how to help him with all those things, because I knew him. I knew what he needed.

This boy—my baby—is not the boy I sent to Athens at eighteen. He's not even the boy that has come home now and then, eager to reclaim his place as the adored youngest child, eager to soak up the affection of his sisters and nieces and nephews, seeking approval from his father, seeking all those things from me I always knew he needed.

I don't know my son like I once did.

I don't know if he needs a clean break from the girl he cannot seem to put in his past, but who overwhelms his present. I don't know if he needs encouragement to push past the overwhelm, to make her his future. I don't know if she will let him do that, or hurt him again.

I don't know if this discomfort in him is like the last time he came home—a hurt that she has caused.

Last year, he came home from Portland heartsick. He came home devastated, unburdening himself to his father. He told Peter about MacKenna's assault and how their argument before played a role in it. Adam spent days here, not knowing how to forgive her for what felt like a betrayal to him, not knowing how to blame her for it either. She was hurt by what she did, too...in different and more painful ways than he was, I'm sure.

I knew what he needed then, too. He needed space and comfort and tender care. He needed the scolding, loving mother of his youth to make him feel at home, and he needed the long private talks with his father. He didn't speak to me in detail about MacKenna's assault or the sexual attitudes she has that lead her to be in that vulnerable position.

Peter helped him. Adam left here with the hope of forgiveness in his heart, though it took him some time. I knew eventually, he would do what he's done—make another try with MacKenna. My Adam—he's like his father. He has...capacities that most people don't. Capacities to love, to teach, to endure, to extend compassion.

This time, he's brought her home. The wild girl with demons. The girl with pain and trauma. The girl with his heart held firmly in her hands.

The mother in me doesn't want this for him. I want easy love for Adam. A sweet simple beautiful life. But the woman who has walked this earth sixty-five years knows...

This boy is a man now. And his mother doesn't get to choose whom he loves.

She does still however, still get to poke and prod the man until she finds the boy in him—the boy who might still, on some level, need his mother.