To the White Wolf | Fenrys (ToG)

Chapter 4: Fingers for Yulemas

In my dream, I was talking to a man that shared my eyes and had hair as dark as a raven. He handed me a book and I held it close to my chest. I wasn't afraid of him. I walked through a hallway with the book, smiling and nodded as I passed friendly faces. Then I made it to a room I had a key to and entered it. It was warm with a fire place and smelled like peppermint.

I took a seat in a soft chair and propped my feet up on a fluffy foot stole and opened the book. It perched nicely on my fat pregnant belly.

"What the hell," I opened my eyes as the morning sun shot through my window and blinded me. I didn't know if the dream was a glimpse into the future or just a crazy dream.

If it was the future, whose baby was that? Where was I? I think the man that handed me the book was Dorian, at least he seemed kind and I felt safe in the dream. I trusted him in the dream, maybe it was foolish to fear him now.

As I got ready to go to the infirmary, the thought of being pregnant caused me to panic. Pregnancy was not something to celebrate where I once lived. Mama would beat pregnant girls until they weren't pregnant anymore, or if she liked them she would give them a poison. One time the poison didn't work and we found the poor girl hanging in the bathroom.

Thanks to my fae heritage, I never got pregnant. It had always been one of my biggest fears living in The Release. Each bleeding was a blessing.

The fear of pregnancy was also another reason why I and the other girls drank the pink liquid each morning. Not only did it falter our energy, but it had a contraceptive in it.

That panic raced through me as Lionna brought in breakfast and braided my hair. As I walked to the infirmary I passed Fenrys who was talking to Aedion and two other guards. They were talking about the patrol. Fenrys spotted me and excused himself from the conversation, his face lighting up.

I kept walking, looking at the ground. I tasted the pink liquid in my mouth, I heard the screams of my sisters as the door swung open and we saw Dahria swinging by her neck from her sheets.

Her name was Dahria and she was only eighteen years old when a stranger got her pregnant. She had always wanted to be a mother, but her tears were not tears of joy when her period did not come. We had told her it wasn't anything to worry about, but then three months passed and it still didn't come and she threw up at meals and her stomach began to swell. We all knew she was with child. It didn't take long for Mama to figure it out.

The poison kept Dahria in bed for days as she grew sick with a fever and vomited day and night. But she lived through it, expelled the poison out of her body but not the child in her womb.

Mama pushed her down the stairs. But she did not bleed out the baby.

We all feared for her. The mornings were the only time we could all be together, and we all waited with anxiety for what Mama would do next.

Mama didn't get the chance to do anything before Dahria hung herself.

"Kya," Fenrys was next to me and I felt tears in my eyes and ringing in my ears. "Kya."

I walked faster and he grabbed me by the arm, I spun around, "Don't touch me."

I had only whispered but I felt as if I had screamed it. He dropped my arm and took a step back. "You're here. You're safe."

I was here. I was safe. I inhaled, counted to ten. Exhaled. Inhale. Count. Exhale.

"I'm sorry," I wiped away my tears.

"You have nothing to be sorry for, I should apologize. I shouldn't have touched you."

Inhale. Exhale. I could barely hear him. The screams were too loud. Inhale. The pink liquid was sweet and bitter in my mouth. Exhale. I was untying the sheet from around her neck and holding her dead body up. Inhale. I was crying, on my knees begging Mama to let us bury here. Exhale. We watched her body get taken away by strangers through our tiny barred up window.