when i look into your eyes(On Hold)

chapter 15

Derek’s PoV

 

Should I go in? Should I. I mean it’s been three years since I was in there but that doesn’t necessarily mean anything, right? I’m sure she won’t mind besides I need to clear things up with her. Yes, I’ll go in. stop pacing and knock on the door.

I knocked three times. The wait- although only a few seconds- was excruciating. When she opened the door I was overcome by the need to be with her again. I wonder if it will ever go away.

“Hey.”

“hello.” It was slightly awkward, I wasn’t sure of what to say and neither was she apparently. I watched her as she looked into the apartment and shook her head a little. She wasn’t alone.

“Well, do not let me keep you, Becca I’ll be back if you need anything, I’m going to go… get something to eat. Yes, food. Yum!” I saw her friend Clarissa walking towards us. Wow, I hadn’t seen her in forever. I haven’t seen anyone. Period.

“Derek.” She acknowledged me with a tentative smile before heading out towards the elevators. I watched her until she got on and left. Rebecca cleared her throat softly.

“Would you like to come in?” she looked exhausted and I really wanted to make it all better, but I had to take my time , approach her slowly and try to convince her that she wants to break up with her current boyfriend.

“Yes, I’d like that.” I walked into the familiar space, everything was almost as it is except the picture frames that used to hold pictures of us had pictures of her and the new guy, and there were boxes all over the place. Some things that I couldn’t identify were covered in bubble wrap. She was moving out. Most probably to move in with him.

“Alright, I’d say that I’m not going to ask where you have been for the past few years or why you’ve suddenly decided to resurface now or what you were doing at the coffee shop but that would make me a liar.” She pauses for a second “What I really want to know above everything else is why? Why would you leave like that, without a trace, without any goodbyes, without a decent break up… without closure?” her eyes were glassy, a sign that she wanted to cry but was holding back tears. I wanted to reach out to her, instead I settled for watching her take deep breaths in and out in order to calm herself.

She looked at me expectantly. I didn’t know what to say, I didn’t want to ruin her relationship with her father but I didn’t want her to hate me either.

“I can’t tell you that. There’s a lot that happened that you don’t know about and frankly I don’t want you to ever know about it. It’s nothing detrimental but it could affect the way you see the people around you, the people you love” I looked at her, hoping that she would understand, hoping that she could see the half-truths beneath my eyes.

She shook her head a little. Cleared her throat again and looked at me, her expression a mixture of cold ruthlessness and compassion. No matter how much she looked like her father in that moment, she still had compassion for others in her heart.

“That’s not enough for me, I want to know everything, but at least you’re trying to be honest with me.” She walks away to a cardboard box and starts putting more stuff inside it. “I’d offer you something to drink or eat but I’m afraid I don’t really live here anymore so there’s nothing to drink or to eat.” She looks at me briefly before looking back at the task at hand.

I didn’t want to sound suspicious and ask her flat out where she was moving to. I really hoped that she really wasn’t moving in with that guy, but I wasn’t fooling myself.

“Why are you moving out… is it the end of your contract or something?” I walked over to the mantel piece. We had so many memories here. So many images of us flash in my mind- us kissing in front of the fire, the warmth of the fire contrasting against her cool but soft fingers as the brushed against my cheek.

“No, I moving somewhere else cause I want to, he asked me and I didn’t see a reason not to.” I would have assumed that she’d be a little bit defensive about sharing that piece of information. I grabbed one of the many photos of her and her new guy and before asking her anything I made sure to keep my voice calm and my face stoic as I asked the question:

“who’s this?” she looked up from what she was doing and stared at the picture in my hand for a little while with a small smile on her face.

“My boyfriend”

Rebecca’s Pov

I looked at his face to gauge his reaction, he clenched his jaw a little but other than that he seemed indifferent to my answer. I looked back down to continue filling the box with cutlery and plates covered in bubble wrap. Once I’m done with this box, I would have officially finished packing up my kitchen.

“Oh. Ok… what’s his name?” why he would want to know about this is a mystery to me and I decide to ignore him for as long as he’d let me. A minute passes and I still don’t look up from my work. I needed to get this done quickly, I’ve been packing my stuff for a week now.

“Please answer me…” with a sigh I looked up and focused on him.

“His name is Alexander and that is all you are getting” my voice was gentle but firm at the same time. I needed him to know that my life wasn’t up for discussion.

“How old is he? What does he do for a living? Does he trea-” I interrupted him there.

“Why do you want to know? I’m with him and that’s it. No more questions please. Thanks” he looked like he wanted to explode; his unshaven cheeks glowed red with anger or jealousy

“Rebecca… I” oh no, please don’t say those words “I still love you, I’m in love with you. I had to leave for a reason. If I had to choose between where I was and you I’d choose you a hundred times over, you have to believe me.”

Great! Just the words I didn’t want to hear “Derek, I have no doubt that you would choose me, but the fact is you didn’t and I don’t love you anymore. I hate to be absolutely rude about this but I had begun to forget about you, three and a half months with him and all the pain of the past three years have vanished. I didn’t feel it, I didn’t feel you and I certainly don’t feel for you anymore. I’m sorry but I’m in love with him. Too far gone, can’t come back. I won’t come back. Don’t want to”

I walked into the bathroom to get the cello tape and I sealed the box shut. I was finally done with it.

“You’re things are still here, I didn’t burn a single thing or throw it away… I’m not that kind of girl. If you want them back they’re in a box in the spare bedroom. I hope you still know where that is.”

“Couldn’t forget it if I tried.” I looked at him as he walked down the hallway; shoulders slumped, head down. It was sad to watch. But he needed to know where I stood.

Something occurs to me and I ask him about it when he walks back in with his stuff. “When did you get back into town? Are you staying somewhere or do you need a place to stay?”

He looks at me a little surprised t first then he answers: “yeah I need a place to stay, I was looking for a place to stay the day I got back which was the day of the coffee shop…”

“oh well do you want to stay here?” he looks a little bit shocked that I’d ask him to move in here, but I own the pace anyway and it would take a while to sell so I could just hand everything over to him with a small amount for payment and he’d be set.

“Uh… I don’t know, I mean are you sure you want me staying here at all?”

“Yes, just cause I don’t live here anymore doesn’t mean that no one else can. I’ll set it up with my lawyer…yes, you’ll stay here, don’t even bother trying to object now.” I smiled kindly at him. He was still his handsome self but it didn’t appeal to me anymore. He was just like a piece of art I admire, I like the look of it but it doesn’t mean I’ll buy it.

He smiles back at me before thanking me very quietly. I think we can move on from this, the worst is over now.