The Two of Us

Chapter 20 - Whatever It Takes

Chapter Twenty - Whatever It Takes

Khalid groaned for the fourth time and rolled over in bed. He'd come home that day, ripped off his coat, and dove into bed. He held his breath for a moment and peeked at his coat which was crumpled on the ground. Reaching for it, he pulled out Sabrina's ring from its pocket and played with it, staring at nothing in particular as Sabrina's voice echoed in his head.

"Not today. I'm sorry."

He felt like screaming. He felt like scraping his nails into his scalp and ripping out his hair because he was so close. His throat burned and his eyes stung with tears that ached to escape. He was so close. But once again, he couldn't do it. Once again, he couldn't prove his worth, he couldn't make them see that he was trying. How content he'd been ever since she'd said yes. He'd finally believed he could do it. He could change. But it wasn't enough.

It was never enough.

Sighing he pushed himself out of bed and headed to the kitchen. He knew what would happen if he stayed in bed and let his thoughts eat him. He pocketed Sabrina's ring before sitting down at the kitchen table. His mother, who was busy making dinner, glanced at him and raised her eyebrows.

"Why the long face, Khaloo?" She asked, addressing him by a nickname he'd earned when he was four.

Khalid scowled when she turned and schooled his expression. He hadn't worked on masking his features for a while now. There'd been no need until now. But he chastised himself for slipping anyway.

"Nothing." He drawled lazily. "School's being a pain in the butt."

His mother looked over and chuckled. "Since when did you care about school?"

Khalid tried to keep his voice neutral. "Since I wanted to get married." 

"Subhan'Allah!" His mother exclaimed. "This is nothing short of a miracle!"

Khalid managed a tight smile and watched her cook, darting around the kitchen, cutting up vegetables and occasionally, checking in on whatever was in the oven.

"Mum?" He called and a sudden ache to tell her everything bloomed inside him.

She looked up from her work. "Yes, habibi?"

Khalid bit his lip before he could say anything and instead gave her a half-smile.

"Need help?"

* * *

 "Do you ever feel like giving up?" Khalid whispered to Zayn.

He was met with silence because Zayn wasn't there. Sometimes when Khalid felt lonely he would talk to his empty room and think about how Zayn would probably answer. Ever since his brother died, it was what Khalid did when he had no one to turn to. It was a cruel joke that when Zayn was alive, Khalid had never turned to him. But now that he was gone, he found comfort in pretending he was there.

Not really, Zayn would say, because Zayn never had a reason to give up.

"Oh." Khalid sighed. "I do. I wanna give up. What's the point?"

Here, Khalid imagined Zayn turning to him with a small frown. Life wasn't made to be easy, Khalid.

"Why?" Khalid asked the dark room. "Are we supposed to be unhappy?"

You think life being easy will make you happy?

Khalid didn't even know what to say to something like that. Probably because he'd never had a conversation with Zayn like this before. He'd never voiced his thoughts to his brother. Zayn always seemed to have it easy -- he had no reason to be unhappy. Khalid did, though. And he had a feeling he knew what Zayn would have said next, were he here.