Anathema

twenty six - sit in silence

"Is something wrong?" his mother asked him during a lesson one day. 

"No," he lied.

"Are you sure?"

"Yep."

But there was a disgusting mushy feeling in his stomach. He couldn't eat, he couldn't sleep, and he couldn't focus. He couldn't even cry. He'd done enough of that alone in the forest that day. 

It had been about a week since he'd talked to Josh, and at this point, he wasn't sure he even wanted to talk with him again - not yet. He didn't know what to say. Was Josh really afraid of him? What had he done to hurt him? Did he even want to see him again? He knew he was probably overthinking it, but he couldn't stop. And it didn't help that Clancy went through the entire conversation every night, with Nico making comments as he went. 

"Tyler, focus please."

Tyler looked up for just a split second before dropping his eyes back down to his paper. He picked up his pencil again, but his hand was shaking and he nearly dropped it again. "Sorry," he mumbled. 

His mother watched him for a minute. "You look a little pale. Are you sick?"

He just shrugged. He didn't want to explain to her that he was sick from anxiety because of an interaction he never should have had in the first place. He didn't want to tell her that he felt like hiding in his room and never talking to Josh - or anyone - ever again. She wouldn't understand. She wouldn't understand how hard it was to fall in love with someone he wasn't even sure was real or not. 

Was he in love? What did love even feel like? Was it supposed to hurt this much? Did it mean he was in love just because he wanted to spend all day with Josh and let him lean on his shoulder and hold his hand and talk about silly things like bumblebees and serious things like Tyler's trips to his therapist? Maybe he was just touch starved and desperate for a friend who didn't make him flinch when they touched. A friend who had cotton candy hair and smelled like spearmint cigarettes. 

His mother leaned forward and rested the back of her hand against his forehead, and he flinched away from her. She ignored him and touched his forehead again, frowning in concern. "You don't feel hot," she said slowly, "but your cheeks are a little flushed. Have you had any water today?"

He shook his head and tried to sink into the back of his chair. He hadn't eaten a full meal in three days, either. He'd just grabbed a handful of cereal or a piece of bread once a day, when he was positive eating wouldn't make him want to die.

She stood up and filled a cup of water for him. "Are you sure you're alright?" she asked as she set it down in front of him. 

"Yeah," he said. He didn't make a move to get a drink. He barely even acknowledged it was there. "Just tired."

"Why don't you go lay down for a few minutes?" she suggested. 

"Okay." He stood up quickly, but the blood rushed from his head and he staggered into the table. His mother caught him as he went down, his vision blurry and his head spinning. He couldn't decide if Nico was smirking at him or not. For a moment, there was two of him, but they quickly merged as his vision corrected itself. 

"Tyler, are you okay?" his mother asked in panic. 

"Just got dizzy," he mumbled as she helped him regain his balance. "I'm fine."

"Do you want me to help you up the stairs?"

"I'm fine."

She wanted to argue. He could see it in her face. But thankfully, she didn't. She just nodded and watched him go, though she was tense and ready to run to him if he fell again.

Climbing the stairs felt like climbing a mountain, and Tyler was exhausted by the time he reached the top. He dragged himself to his room and didn't bother turning on the light as he shut the door and collapsed onto his bed. Lifting his arm felt like lifting ten pounds of bricks through a gelatin wall, so he stayed in his uncomfortable position on his side, staring at the wall. Even Clancy's nervous energy was dampened.

Tyler felt Nico sit on the bed beside him. "So you're just gonna lay here and sulk again?" he said.

"I'm not sulking," Tyler grumbled. "I can't feel anything."

And unfortunately, that was the truth. He could still feel that disgusting tug in his stomach, but it felt numb. His entire body felt numb. Even his thoughts were numb. He didn't feel angry or depressed or anxious or any of that. He just felt empty.

"You can't get so depressed over your stupid crush," Nico said. "That's pathetic."

"I'm not depressed. I don't feel anything."

"Oh, right, you're not depressed." Nico waved his hands around as if to make his point clearer. "You're not completely numbing yourself to emotions. You're not pulling away from every human relationship you've ever had. You're not laying in bed all day doing absolutely nothing but feel bad for yourself. You're not starving yourself. You're not having stress migraines and thinking about how much you want to die every day. You're not going to a freaking therapist once or twice a week. Sorry, my bad. You're not depressed."

"I'm not depressed," Tyler said. "I'm just a freak of nature with side effects."

"Oh, yeah, I forgot about that." Nico laughed under his breath. "So you're one of those. Look at us, figuring stuff out. Team work."

"You're not helping."

"Oh, I know. Just trying to lighten the mood."

"Nice going," Clancy grumbled.

Then Tyler heard a loud thump, and Clancy let out a cry of pain.

"Shut up," Nico said.

"He just hit me," Clancy complained.

"Figure it out yourself," Tyler grumbled, pulling his pillow over his head. "I don't want to hear you anymore."

"Told you," Nico said. "He doesn't want you around."

"I don't want you around either."

"You want us to go away?" Clancy asked softly.

"I want you to leave me alone for like an hour, okay? Is that too much to ask for?"

"Alright, alright. You don't need to get worked up about it," Nico said. "We'll leave you alone for a while, but don't complain when you find out how much you actually need me."

"I don't need you."

Nico snorted in mild amusement. "Yeah, you do. We'll see you later, Tyler."

He heard the door close quietly, and then the room fell silent. The only sound was his breathing and the ringing in his ears, and the sudden lack of sound crushed in on him on all sides. Icy, silent fingers seized his neck and choked the air out of his lungs, strangling his cry for help. The words caught in his throat and burned across his tongue, spilling silently out of his lips like a vapor of smoke. He couldn't breathe. He felt as though his lungs had filled with water, as if he was trapped under a collapsed building. His chest hurt, the silence digging a physical pain in his heart like wolves tearing him to pieces.

Tendrils of silence snaked around him and squeezed until he couldn't move and he could barely see. He gasped for breath and grasped at nothing, his fingers curling around the silence of his freezing sheets. He tried to curl up, but his body felt frozen and numb, like his entire body had fallen asleep, though his mind was wide awake. He wished he was asleep, so he didn't have to think anymore. His mind whirled and whirled on and on and on until he wanted to scream and tear his brain to shreds to block out the thoughts.

I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself why can't I be normal I hate myself why can't I be normal I want to die I want to die I hate myself

He had never felt so alone in his entire life.

"Come back, Nico," he cried silently as numb tears spilled silently down his cheeks.