Anathema

twelve - silence gives you space

"You can't just run out of the house every time something upsets you," Josh said, and in that moment, he sounded like Tyler's father, and he hated it.

"And you can't ditch school every time you don't want to be there," Tyler said bitterly. "Yet here we are."

Josh paused for a moment and then smiled a little. "You got me there. Man, that place sucks. And they're going to make you go next year?"

"I think so."

"Maybe running away was a good idea."

"I didn't run away," Tyler said.

"It sure looks like you did," all three of them said, and Tyler jumped. The hair on the back of his neck prickled up at the dissonance of their voices and he shivered against his will.

Josh frowned. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," Tyler said, absentmindedly rubbing his arms. "Just...thought I heard something."

"And now you feel like fog in October?" Josh suggested, and Tyler nodded with a small, sad smile.

"Yeah. Like icy fog in October."

"It's a nice day for October," Josh remarked, looking up at the sky. "I can't remember a day in the middle of the fall be so warm."

"Yeah, it's nice." Tyler kicked at a rock on the sidewalk and watched it bounce into the gutter. "I wish it could stay like this forever."

"Why? Wouldn't that make life boring?"

"It would be perfect," Clancy muttered. 

"Because..." Tyler paused to think for a moment. "Because I'm scared."

Josh paused and turned to look at him, his coffee eyes full of concern. "Of what?" he asked softly.

Tyler shrugged. "Everything. Of what's next. Of new things."

"Oh." Josh turned back to see where he was walking. He seemed to consider what Tyler had said, and after a minute, he nodded. "Yeah, I can see that. But it's also fun, if you let it be."

"How can you think the future will be fun when you have no idea what it'll be like?" Tyler asked. His voice sounded like he was making an accusation, but he was just confused.

"No, I mean it's fun to be surprised." Josh smiled again and stuck his hands in his pockets. "I'm excited to get out of here when I'm older. I have no idea what that'll be like, but I can't wait."

"Why?" Tyler asked curiously. "What's so bad about this place?"

His friend laughed, but it was strained and sarcastic. "You have no idea."

"Is it like the time you told me I didn't understand why you didn't want to go home?"

Josh nodded. "Yeah, it's like that."

"Can you help me understand?"

"No!" he said quickly, and both Clancy and Tyler flinched. "S-sorry," he muttered, realizing his mistake. "I just...I don't want to tell you."

"Can you describe what it feels like without telling me about it?" Tyler asked softly. "I want to help you. You're my best friend."

"Hey," Clancy protested under his breath.

"You sound like your mom when you talk like that," Nico grumbled. 

Tyler winced as he realized he was right. "I mean, you don't have to, if you don't want," he said to Josh, but the look on his face made him wish that he'd never brought it up in the first place. 

"You can't help me," Josh said. His eyes had gone hard and he was glaring at the sidewalk as if he could break it just by looking hard enough. But then he glanced at Tyler again, and his eyes melted like chocolate. "I'm sorry," he said. 

"I know I can't help you," Tyler muttered. "You can't help me, either. But it helps to just be here, you know?"

Josh didn't answer. They passed the park, but neither of them slowed, so they continued their walk down the street. Silence settled between them, giving them both plenty of time to think. Tyler wondered what Josh was thinking about, but he didn't say anything. He wondered if now was a good time to tell him that he made him feel like bumblebees. But as soon as he thought it, his heart jerked in his chest and his hands got all sweaty. No, that would have to wait.

"It's the Arctic where I'm from," Josh finally said, his voice quiet and timid. Tyler didn't look at him, but he felt him shift beside him and saw his shadow shrink down a little as he hunched over. "Frigid. Hard. Lifeless." He shivered, and Tyler felt himself shiver as well. "It's walking down the hallway in a horror movie when the board creaks and there's a silent scream but it's suicide to run. It's standing there motionless and praying it doesn't see, but then it's icy fingers digging into shoulders and freezing souls in place. It's..."

Josh's voice was shaking. His hands were stuffed into his jacket pockets, but Tyler was sure they were shaking, too. Clancy and Nico, thankfully, stayed quiet.

"It's so dark," he whispered. "It's so dark there. And blue and purple and bright, bright red. It's like...I'm a rabbit. I'm just a helpless, terrified rabbit."

"Oh," Tyler said. There were no words to explain what he wanted to say. He wanted to wrap him up in his arms and promise that everything would be okay, but he couldn't. Nothing was okay. And he was too afraid that if he hugged him, he'd find out that he wasn't real. Josh was one of the most real people he had in his life. He didn't want that to go away.

"Do me a favor," Josh said, turning away from him and staring into the horizon.

"Anything."

"If you ever find yourself there, run as fast as you can and never look back."