Not [yet] a Mommy: Memoirs of my Miscarriage.

Chapter 10: FUTURE

After the harsh realization that I was not Kim K and could pay all the money for all the fertility treatments, I was nearing the end of the 3 months that were my hard core Keto diet. Like previously stated I was beginning to focus on my mental health, physical health, and most importantly spiritual health. Around this time Rudy and I also started the application process for Apartment Life. We heard about this program through friends. It is sort of like being a missionary...except you live in the community you serve, you don't get to leave like you would in a traditional mission trip. We owned a brand new home in the country, so it made no sense to move to an apartment. That's backwards right? Most people live in an apartment first and save up for a home. And I do remember saying I'd NEVER live in an apartment...haha.

From February to June 2018 we lived our best lives. I was killing it with my new thin, healthy body. We were growing in our marriage. We were having so much fun making love, almost daily. People that no longer belonged in our lives started to distance themselves naturally and organically. We started to look for a church in the area that we wanted to move to, it was so important for us to find community that strengthened our daily walk with God. Because at the end of the day, that is more important to us than our jobs, our titles, our possessions, EVERYTHING! I grew up as a "Christian" but my relationship with Jesus Christ was selfish. It was about ME: MY salvation, ME going to Heaven, what God could do for ME. And now, it's about what can I do for God and His Kingdom? How can I bring others into a relationship with Him? What about me, will make others want to know about this Jesus? How can I serve those around me in an intentional way and cultivate relationships?

We got accepted into the Apartment Life program! It was an intense application process, so I was thrilled when I found out they did pick us! We applied to live in either Downtown, Museum District, Montrose, or Midtown, here in Houston, TX. Rudy and I have grown up and lived in the suburbs. But have always been city junkies at heart. So moving into the heart of Houston was a thrill we wanted to live out! We were able to find renters for our home rather quickly. So not only were we moving somewhere super cool, but our mortgage payment was covered by our renters...God likes to show off sometimes and I love it!

I also was excelling at work, I applied for a management position, and was super surprised when I got it. Not because of my own works, but truly because I believe that His favor over my life, is unfathomable. Because people more qualified certainly applied as well. The spaces that I have been allowed to enter, the people that I have cared for, in their most intimate moments: it's humbling. I don't deserve it, not for a second. But I embrace it. My mind is blown every single time I am a part of conversations, here in the Texas Medical Center that are LIFE CHANGING for people receiving treatment from all over the World. I can't believe people, such as world-renowned surgeons and doctors, want MY input, MY experience, MY opinion, and to hear MY thoughts.

I believe it was the day AFTER we submitted all our paperwork, paid our deposit, and signed the contract for Apartment Life, a two year commitment, that I found out I was pregnant. Yup. Rudy and I had just finished up dinner and I still had to finish some work. He was going to small group, I was going to stay home, and finish some charting. I remember that day being particularly rough, I was doing pediatric hospice then. I had an app that tracked my cycle. And I got a notification on my phone that said: "Take a pregnancy test if you aren't on your period today!" I almost laughed at the thought. But I had to pee, so I went into our restroom and looked in our cabinet: I had ONE pregnancy test left from the probably few dozen I had once purchased. I stopped buying them because seeing them turn negative so many times, was exhausting. I was also doing laundry, so I took the test, and left it on the counter. I went about my business, and honestly forgot I took the test. I only returned to the restroom because I needed to get towels to wash. And that's when I saw it. The biggest blue positive sign, almost flashing at me. And I stopped in my tracks. I just stared at it. Called Rudy immediately, because I can't keep secrets: "Don't freak out, but I'm pregnant." He responded with: "whhhhaaatt? Are you serious? Well don't tell anyone yet." He knows me so well. And that was so hard. Because you are so happy, excited, scared, but you cannot share the news with everyone because you know what can happen. And suddenly your excitement turns into worry.

Currently I am 9 months pregnant with our rainbow baby boy: Remy Roberto Segura. And every time he moves, kicks me, etc. I am filled with joy. This hasn't been a super easy pregnancy: I have a low lying placenta (no sex: I know, I am miserable!), contractions at 23 weeks due to dehydration, a very painful degenerative fibroid right at my belly button where he loves to kick me, and in my third trimester I was diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes. But I have no complaints. I trust God as my healer and provider of life, for both Remy and I. We are scheduled to be induced on March 19, 2019. And I am lucky enough to work for the best hospital in Texas. So I respect and trust my healthcare providers as well. We picked the name Remy when Rudy and I had been dating for only one year! We already have a girl name picked out too. Remy is of French origin, and means "Remedy." Also we like 4 letter names, simple. Little did we know the profound meaning his name would one day have for us, because that he is, a remedy to our once broken hearts. Roberto is my dad's first name and we thought it would be fitting since he had always wanted a son, but got 3 daughters instead. Also being Mexican American we didn't want a super Caucasian name, because then our parents wouldn't be able to say it, also we think it's silly. We want our culture to live out through our children: we will teach them how to read, write, and speak Spanish.

As we prepare for Remy's arrival, we have no idea what to expect. Rudy has never even held a baby. I have babysat, and taken care of very sick children in my life so I kind of have an idea of what I am doing. We know Remy will do a lot of the teaching when he is here. And we will take it one day at a time because there isn't one right way to raise a child. And it truly takes a tribe, our is pretty solid! We know that Remy will be his own individual person. And we pray that God equips us with the right tools to raise him to be a good human. That is my wish for my son, not that he becomes a Doctor or President. Remy, my precious boy, my hopes and dreams for you are that you learn to love your relationship with The Lord. That you work to serve Him every day of your life. That you do what makes you happy. That you experience all the joys of this World without getting lost in it. That you love and are passionate about life. I promise to always be your number one fan, to support you to the best of my abilities. To take care of you, to be there for you in the bad days. To embarrass you, I am so good at doing that for your daddy. To make you laugh, and to teach you everything I know about life. Because son, you are my today and all of my tomorrows. You are my FUTURE.