Not [yet] a Mommy: Memoirs of my Miscarriage.

Chapter 7: BODY

Naturally after my miscarriage, things got out of hand with my body. I understand the hormone levels drop dramatically. But I got BIG. I indulged. I ate what I wanted, when I wanted. It's no secret I am not a cook. I don't intend to ever be one. I have zero interest, or ability. Rudy is our chef, and he is great at it. I like to think it's because he cooks with love. I on the other hand, forget I am boiling water, so I am a better person outside of the kitchen. I am not threatened by this fact, and I do not feel like less of a woman. I just know that cook is not part of my skill set, and I am perfectly okay with it. I am blessed to have married a gem of a man who could care less if I can or can't cook.

Anyways, as you can see above, the picture to the left I was at my heaviest at a whopping 170 pounds. It was November 2017 and we were on a trip to San Miguel De Allende, in Mexico. Such a beautiful place! I need to go back!! I knew I was a big girl, I am only 5'3" tall. I can't lie and say I was unhappy or sad. We ate all the food, and I am not above eating street meat, tacos from a taco truck, or at a 5 star luxurious restaurant, I can eat. My husband loves me at all sizes, and despite my weight makes me feel sexy. And we were still having plenty of sex, so I was comfortable with my weight. I became most uncomfortable when shopping for clothes because suddenly I wasn't buying size small tops. I have been 90 pounds, I have been a size 00 in my lifetime. So I have a view of my body at its thinnest ever and also at a very voluptuous and curvy shape. I am a Latina woman, so some of my weight went to just the right spots: breasts and bubble butt. Other weight went to all the wrong parts: love handles and back fat. Eww, I know.

Finally towards the end of November 2017 I decided enough was enough and I solicited help from a weight loss doctor. I wanted to do it for me. I wanted to be comfortable in my own skin. I have always been very self-aware. In every aspect of my life. I knew I had gained weight so I got bigger clothes to fit my new body. I did not try to squeeze this new body into my old, tiny clothes. And please, you shouldn't either sister, it makes you look bigger than you are! And I wanted to prove to myself I was worth it, around this time I found Rachel Hollis on social media. She does a 90 day challenge at the end of every year where you push yourself and realize that you are #madeformore. So this was a key factor in just starting! I didn't need to wait till New Years. I learned that TODAY is the best time to start changing and improving yourself.

So I found a doctor, and he put me on the now super famous Ketogenic diet. It was a very strict diet, basically no carbs or sugar for 3 months straight. When I have a goal, I reach it. I have a very innate ability to have mental sharp focus. I started this diet on purpose during the holidays. I told myself if I could lose weight during the "hardest" time of the year, I could lose weight any other time I wanted to. And I did! In 3 months: December 2017- February 2018 I lost a total of 40 pounds. No exercise except walking. I just had very strict, restrictive meals. Every week I had to check in with my doctor and weigh in. And let me tell you, maybe it was my pride but I was NOT going to weigh more at my next weight check in, I refused. So I said no to my mom's flautas. No to all candy. No to all the delicious Christmas foods. No to my beloved Starbucks drinks. Instead I did: a venti iced Americano, with a splash of heavy whipping cream, and vanilla sugar free syrup. I still got my coffee fix in this way for wayyyyyy less calories, and it still tasted great. I knew that food was just that, food. And I could overcome any craving. My head did hurt, probably only the first week. But to see my body transform into the one of my early youth was awesome! And it kept me going. After I was done with my 3 month diet, I added working out to my lifestyle.

I knew that if I was going to allow certain foods back into my diet, then I needed to add exercise as well. I have never liked the gym, I don't know how to work out. I don't want huge muscles. I don't want a six pack. On me personally I think muscles are manly. And I am very girly so all I wanted were nice legs, and a flat tummy. That's it! So I found a local Zumba studio and went 5-6 times a week. It was so fun, and I pushed myself every class. I never stopped moving. I didn't take water breaks. I did every move to its fullest extent. No half-moves. I felt like Shakira honey, my hips weren't lying. I would drop it down low and come back up. And I burned so many calories, and was having so much fun. It was my "me time". My legs got super toned and I saw definition in them I never had before. My tummy was super flat and I have a ton of pictures on my phone to prove it. I was feeling myself, naturally. My body was amazing!!! I no longer felt betrayed by it. I was STRONG!

Things that helped me: meal prepping. You have to be prepared especially for lunch and dinner or you will end up eating something you shouldn't. Also these quotes, I'd write them and tell them to myself daily: "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels." And "A moment on my lips is a lifetime on my hips." I know they're silly but it helped to know that I was in control and I had the power, not food. It took intense measures, a strong will, and incredible self-control. I had more energy and was just happy again. My mental health improved dramatically. I wasn't crying myself to sleep anymore. I began to understand that my body did not carry that sweet baby because it wasn't compatible with life. For a year I took care of terminally ill children, and let me tell you, there is NOTHING worse on this earth. So that also, oddly enough helped my heart heal. Being there for those families, I was their lifeline sometimes, I held them when their child died, I cried with them, I went to these babies' funerals for my closure as well, I was there. It was a year in my career that I will never forget, where I felt like I made a difference the most. Pediatric hospice, literally transformed my heart.

I got a firsthand view of what it was like to live with a sick child. It's not something these mommas get time off from, they can't clock out. This is their lives. They become nurses themselves without the degree. Feeding tubes, catheters, PICC lines, ports, suppositories, NG tubes, suction machines, oxygen machines, etc. The list can go on forever. These women and men are going straight to Heaven, I am convinced. And maybe, just maybe God didn't want Rudy and I to go thru this with baby bean, and that's why He took him/her back home, gone from my BODY.