Not [yet] a Mommy: Memoirs of my Miscarriage.

Chapter 6: BABIES

So guess what I avoided after my miscarriage? Yup, babies. Kids. Anything that had to do with children. I didn't want to see baby stuff, I didn't want to hold any babies, no matter how cute they were. It just hurt too much. I didn't really want to be around them either. I am so lucky that Rudy understood this. No questions asked, he got it. Once we even left a party at my parents' house because there were one too many babies present. I think it's because he heard me cry myself to sleep all those nights. I tried to muffle my sorrow, but I think he felt it too.

I also filtered my social media accounts. And I suggest you do this as well if your heart is at this stage of grief. I unfollowed accounts that had anything to do with children. Even friends that had cute babies, I unfollowed. They are in their right to post cute pictures/videos, which is why I simply unfollowed their feed. Then the birth announcements/gender reveals would come across my feed, and I watched. I liked or loved. The green eyed monster, jealousy would creep up, and sting my heart. This is normal, you are NOT evil if you feel this. I then proceeded to unfollow these people, because I was so happy for them, but oh so sad for me.

I miscarried April of 2017. And in December 2017 I told Rudy we should get a puppy. Because my heart so longed to care for something/someone other than myself. Granted I am a nurse and while I was still doing bedside/home care I cared for all of my patients with compassion. Even the rude ones. I still wanted a pup of my own, Rudy's dog is a blue heeler and huge. Not my kind of animal, haha. So we got a Maltipoo named Nala. And that sweet girl has no idea what she did for my heart in terms of healing. She is really THE sweetest dog. Till this day she follows me around, and no one gets as excited as her when I enter a room.

One day I will be a mom, at this stage I didn't know if it would be biological or adoptive, but I knew I'd be a mother. If you already know you can't have biological children, don't close your heart to other avenues. Adoption, adoption thru foster care are both options that won't change the kind of mother you will become. We don't all have a maternal instinct. In fact it is 2019 and there are women who have zero desire to mother a child, and that is OK. You also don't have to have a husband to be a mother. So don't allow societal norms to rule over your hearts desires. Everyone's journey to motherhood looks different. One of my favorite adoption stories is that of Lisa Harper's. If you have yet to hear it, do yourself a favor: grab a box of tissues and google her. You will feel your heart soar and allow yourself to dream.

As a woman, you have incredible abilities, in fact mothering doesn't necessarily mean to mother a child. You can mother a business into fruition. You can mother your parents in old age. You can mother pets. You can mother your friends. You can mother and disciple people at church. Do not let your current situation and circumstances keep you in a box. You can and will be a mother in your own right.

Is it funny that although I am beyond thrilled and excited to be a mom one day, I know that the baby stage is but temporary and fleeting? As mothers we have an incredible duty to shape these tiny humans into real functioning members of society. I truly believe that the worst adult humans that roam this Earth, have a direct correlation to bad parenting. Giving your kids all the love and material possessions alone is not good parenting. I'm excited to teach my children not only primary colors, but also the importance of not seeing color. To teach what it is to serve and love others. And truly enjoying every season as it comes, but I am super excited for the day where I can vacation with my adult children and their own babies. And just know, The Lord will be looking down on us and fill my heart with "good job faithful servant, you rocked it as a mom to these BABIES."