Not [yet] a Mommy: Memoirs of my Miscarriage.

Chapter 4: MOTHER

I have always wanted to be a mom. For as long as I can remember. And this may be embarrassing to admit but up until the time I was like 14 years old, every Christmas I would ask for a life size, newborn baby doll. I loved packing the diaper bag, and just carrying them all around my house. Super embarrassing, right? Ha! But when I was 15 going on 16, my little sister Camila was born and she became my personal real life doll. I was like her second mom. Which I'm sure was awesome for my mom at the time, because let's face it, she was TIRED. And I fully expect all those years of free babysitting back one day ;) I would bathe her, feed her, change all the diapers, etc. And I did it with joy, not as a chore, but I really actually wanted to do it. Since my mom was pregnant I went to all her Doctor appointments with her if I could. And Camila is the reason I became a nurse, because I realized that I was a natural caregiver, and I loved taking care of all the people!

I was a babysitter all throughout high school and college. Not only was it nice to have extra cash, that was not taxed...I miss that! But I really took care of all those kids like they were my own. There's something about young minds, they are so impressionable. And I loved teaching them new things. Even disciplining them when I thought appropriate, although most kids I took care of were really the sweetest. Nothing like seeing life through a child's eyes. I have so many cute stories that I truly cherish. The innocence of a child, is unlike any other and one day I can't wait to see life thru my own children's eyes.

The picture you see in this chapter is dated back to June 5, 2012. At the time I was working at a mother baby boutique. And we had these pretend bellies in the dressing room for expectant moms to use. Mostly if they weren't showing yet. I made my then friend, take a picture because I wanted to see what I would look like with a baby belly. I was already dating Rudy so if my parents saw this picture, they would have DIED. Haha. Funny I still have that picture in my phone, it's almost like I hold on to little pieces of what could be. I still do.

I think back to what it would be like to be a mom right now. My baby would be one year old. And I can't help but wonder if I would be The World's Okay-est (I made that up) Mom. Would I be hiding in the closet with a glass of wine after a long day? Would I complain about sleep regression? Would I yell at my child? Would I ignore my child and scroll through Facebook instead? If I am honest, probably. And if you are that kind of mom, sister there's nothing wrong with that. All kids are different and I know especially in my teen years, I made my mom cry and hurt her feelings all the time. So as long as you are coping in a healthy way, that does not bring harm to you or your loved ones, carry on, whatever keeps you sane. Moms were an actual person before they were moms, and I think in this Pinterest Perfect society we live in, we don't give Moms grace.

I just think that miscarriage has now opened my eyes to the fact that I would like to be an exceptional mom. Does this mean I am going to burn myself out trying to make sure my kids always match, are polite, and don't throw temper tantrums at Target? NO. What I mean is that I hope that once I am a mom, I can cherish the little things. The small, simple moments. The ones that really matter. I hope not to complain, because how can I complain about something I cried literal tears over? Not to say I won't have bad days, I am realistic, but just that I am able to give myself and my children grace.

I mean honestly, back in the day there were no elaborate parties, elves on shelves, gender reveals, baby showers that look like weddings, monogrammed outfits, homemade baby foods, and guess what? We are all here. Our parents didn't kill us. And most of us can't say "I would be Oprah if my mom cut my foods into perfect little shapes and wrote love notes every day in my lunch till I was 25." So again, I don't plan on being a Pinterest Perfect Mommy. What I am certain of is that I can rest in the knowledge that out of all the babies in the world, God picked ME to be my kids' mom.
He knew that my children and I would be the perfect match. And that no matter what happens, I will be their MOTHER forever.