Not [yet] a Mommy: Memoirs of my Miscarriage.

Chapter 5: FAMILY

Miscarriage is non-discriminatory. It does not care how much money you have. Where you work. What your race is. Who you voted for. Where you live. And who it hurts. Nothing.

It affects those who love you the most too. One of the hardest parts about my whole journey was to know that my Rudy was hurting too. That my parents and sisters cried real tears alongside me. My parents have 3 girls. My in-laws have 2 boys. And since Rudy and I got married, I know our parents have wanted a grandchild. Who wouldn't? It's the natural progression of life right? First comes love, check. Then comes marriage, check. Then comes a baby in a baby carriage....oops. Not for me.

We told our parents about baby bean in a cute way, a greeting card that one of our friends made for us, that called them Grandma and Grandpa. We had our family friend record their reactions opening the cards. I still have the video. I can't watch it just yet. It's in my phone. But I know that if I watch it, I'll just cry. And kind of like my girl Ari, I have no tears left to cry. This has ruined any other future announcements for me. For life.

My biggest wish is to watch my parents holding my baby one day. For them to spoil my kids rotten. To give them all the candy and junk food that I won't. For my dad to take them fishing, and to teach them all about God. My dad taught me Psalms 23 in Spanish when I was a little girl, and I still know it to this day. For my mom to obsess about their outfits, and how they should always look clean and match. My dad will be so proud, he is such a Facebook live nerd, and he literally goes live for everything. And I think that he would go nuts with a grand baby. He would show off those babies more than he would us girls, his daughters. Uploading picture after picture. And thanking God for our blessing every day. My dad is a man of prayer, a warrior of sorts. The same night after I found out baby bean did not have a heartbeat, my dad prayed over me and asked God for His will to be done. And then he kept praying. And praying. He is still praying. And told me that I'd be a mom someday. And guess what? I believed him. Even in that time of despair, I still held on to hope.

I can't wait for my sister Mireya to babysit for FREE.  Haha! She's the best babysitter, I taught her a lot of what she knows, but there's a sweetness about her that can't be taught. Mireya is my best friend, she came into my life when I was about to turn 6 years old. Most of our childhood we fought a lot, and I know we would drive our parents nuts. But now, we mostly laugh together. She has grown into the most beautiful woman, clearly and most noticeably on the outside, but her heart. It's pure gold. She is the best listener, a quality I hope she can teach my kids. Because Rudy has to tell me things 3 times some days.  Guaranteed, she will be the best auntie, and I cannot wait to see that. And I think Camila will be the cool auntie. She has all the gadgets and although she's only 12 years old, she's way cooler than I'll ever be. She loves arts and crafts and is so talented. Also she has the best comebacks, I don't know where she got it from ;)

And I know my in-laws want a grandchild just as bad too. When I see that they raised my Rudy, I can't help but gleam with pride, cause I really do think he is the best human ever, see chapter one. My father in law will dress up like Santa on Christmas. He loves music and always has it playing in the background no matter what he's doing. I hope my kids like to dance as much as I do, and they can dance with their Abuelo Segura. My mother in law will give me all the advice. Mostly medical, because her boys were always sick growing up. Also, Mexicans, we think we know the best remedies in all of the land. Vicks vapor rub is our salvation. I just KNOW they will be the sweetest grandparents ever!

I can see all of us going on family vacations, all kiddos in tow. All of us carrying either a kid, diaper bag, stroller, or whatever else I decide to pack. I am a chronic over packer, and I am not ashamed. Rudy and I love to travel, one of my favorite things to do is sight see. A new town, city, place, restaurant, or coffee shop. I take it all in. Even the moments that aren't Instagram worthy. And I like to laugh, and make others laugh. I have the best jokes, mostly because I say what everyone is thinking, but are too normal or nice to say out loud. I make my very stern mother laugh, and my very Christ-like father laugh...it's a real talent. And if you meet my parents, you wouldn't think they raised a person like me. I think they have grown to accept me at this point, at the end of the day we are FA-M-ILY.