Miles Away | Nick Mara

Thirty Six

I few weeks after I'd arrived, Nick called. I picked up almost immediately, feeling a sudden urge to see and talk to him. We'd texted, but I couldn't find the courage to talk to him without breaking down.

I picked up the phone, but couldn't say anything. I didn't know what to say. I was scared of how my voice would sound. A sudden fear swept over me, and I almost hung up the phone.

"Aubri?"

"Yeah." I let out a deep breath.

"How is she." He said slowly, as if he was scared to know what my answer would be.

"Uh," I paused. "She's okay. She's had four surgeries, and the doctors are letting her rest for now. But she might need another one soon."

He sighed.

We didn't speak for a few minutes. I could hear him breathing on the other end, but I didn't know what to say. And it seemed like he didn't either.

"I wish you'd call me." He said finally.

"What do you mean."

"We've drifted." His voice was soft.

"Yeah."

I didn't know what to say. I know what he wanted me to say, but I couldn't say it. Because I didn't mean it. He wanted me to tell him that I still missed him, and that I wished he was here with me, and that things were so much harder without him. But it wasn't true. I hadn't thought deeply about him since I'd arrived. How could I? With my mom lying in a hospital bed, tubes coming out of her mouth, going through surgery after surgery.

"Maybe we should take a break." I said. "Just for a moment. It's not... the best time."

"Yeah." He voices was shaking. "There never seems to be a best time for us."

I held my breath.

"I'll see you later," he said. "I love you, Aubri."

Before I could say anything in response, he hung up. I threw my phone at the wall, tears streaming down my cheeks in frustration and anger. Nothing seemed to be working out. Crouching down in the corner of the room. I held my knees together, tear drops staining my jeans. I couldn't cry out loud. It was a silent cry; the one where you hold your hand over your mouth to stop the sounds from escaping your lips, the one where you can taste the tears as they flow down your cheeks, the one where you're hurting so much that even crying can't express the pain. Everything hurt.

It hurt that my mom lay unconscious, it hurt that I couldn't be with Nick, it hurt that I'd disappointed him once again, it hurt that I'd ruined our relationship, and it hurt that I felt so lonely while living in a world surrounded by millions of people. And the pain wouldn't stop.