When You Know

19 - Adults just don't like to admit to their kids when they're afraid.

We stayed in the hospital until it got overrun with Tanner and Morgan's family and we felt we should clear out to give them time there to themselves. I got in the car with Ruben to go home, and Jet went with Mum. They had both come straight from work so we had two cars.

"You okay, buddy, about what happened at school today?" Ruben asked as we were driving out of the hospital carpark.

"Yeah, I guess so. I'm glad Jet was there. I was so mad at Jordie that I just wanted to hit him, but all I did was drag him to the ground by his bag and call him an asshole. Jet pulled me away before anything else happened and he talked to us both. I don't even think any of the teachers or parents saw."

"I don't think that's quite the point, Madden—whether you were seen or not. The point is that you lost your cool for a second and might have really hurt someone."

"Yeah, I know. It was stupid," I said, ashamed. "I just don't know why people need to have an opinion on my family."

"Do kids often say things like that?" Ruben queried, his deep voice very gentle and soothing.

"Sometimes. It used to be them making comments about how perfect and together their families were, and how I didn't have parents. Like they were rubbing it in my face. And now that you and Mum are together, it's more confusing for them to understand and they just can't wrap their head around it. That's what Jet thinks anyway."

I explained to Ruben about how it used to upset me a lot that everyone else had a mum and a dad and brothers and sisters, and that their parents were together and lived in a nice big house with a dog, and went on family holidays together. Then I told him about how none of that matters to me anymore because I love our family and how happy we are and how well we work together, and that I wouldn't trade them for anyone else, least of all Bree.

"How are you dealing with all this Bree stuff lately, Madd?" Ruben asked.

"Honestly, I don't even know anymore. I just want it all over with so I don't have to think about it," I answered.

Ruben nodded and continued driving with his eyes on the road. "Your mum got a reply today."

"She did?" She hadn't mentioned it in all that time we spent at the hospital.

"Yeah, just before we went inside to see Willow."

"What did it say?"

"I don't know. She said she didn't want to talk about it before seeing the baby because she wanted to be happy when she first met her," said Ruben. It mustn't have been good then. "She's really struggling with this, too, Madden. It's been a long time since she spoke to Bree, and there are a lot of similar feelings I'm sure you both have about maybe seeing her now. Your mum is just as scared as you are that Bree will want you back, but she's just trying to be brave so you don't have to see her so nervous."

"I didn't know she was upset or scared. Why didn't she tell me?"

"Madd, it's a hard thing for adults to admit when they're afraid, especially when those adults are trying to keep it together for their kids. Parents don't want to admit that they struggle sometimes too, because they want their kids to think they know everything and can fix every problem that happens in their lives. They don't want you to know that sometimes things just suck and aren't fair, and that there aren't any easy answers."

He took another deep breath and continued. "There's no easy way for your mum to deal with this thing with Bree, Madden. Your mum loved her so much and she was heartbroken when she left—not just for herself, but for you. I was there and I watched all her strength fade day by day as she tried to keep it all together for you and your family when Bree was gone. Having to talk to her now after all those years of hurt is hard for her, and it scares me to death to see that because I remember what happened last time."