~~langst~~ (one shots)

what am i? (part 1)

I got this request ages ago and I didn't know how to write a trans lance cause I didn't think I'd be able to show it properly and make it sound good. Little did past me know I was actually experiencing disphoria myself lolol. I'm gonna base this off my own feelings rn sooooo yea also I'm back.
@aarmaulover2023 gave me it

(lance is a girl at the start cause that's the only way I know how to write it soooo ye. His name is gonna be like lily or something and is best friends with Keith)

"Hey Keith?" I ask.

We're on the swings in the park and it's pitch black. Just cause we're 16 doesn't mean we can't be in playparks.

I pull to a stop.

"What's up lily?" Keith asks me, stopping too.

I wince slightly at my name...

"Do you...." I fiddle with my fingers and my t-shirt. "Do you support.... Tr.. the LGBTQ community?" I ask scolding myself for nearly saying it outright.

"Yeah of course!" He says throwing his hands up.

"I mean... All of it. Not just gay and lesbian and bisexual i know you support them. I mean....all of them...." I whisper.

"What do you mean?" Keith asks.

"I mean like trans people and, and, and non binary people" I say quickly.

"Well I don't understand them but yeah of course I do... I want to understand though" Keith says softly.

I think he knows what I'm going to say next.

"Keith..."

"Yeah?"

"I don't think I'm a girl...." I whisper.

I hide my head from Keith and a play with my hair that causes me so much anger and pain. I was only allowed to cut it to my shoulders.

"Well that's ok, what do you feel?" Keith asks. He places a hand on my shoulder and rubs it gently.

I lift up my head and look at him.

"I... I don't know... I feel like a girl sometimes I guess but most of the time I feel like a boy..." I whisper.

"But I don't want to go chopping off my boobs! I want to bind them super bad though" tears forming in my eyes. I squish my chest with my arms.

Keith continues to rub my shoulder.

"I've been calling myself non-binary lately and I don't know... It fits but it doesn't feel completely right because.... I want to be a boy... If I could pick my gender right now I would pick a boy but since I am physically a girl I feel like I have to be part girl like I can't just throw away that part of me..." I blurt out finding with my fingers.

"You're allowed to be confused..." Keith says softly.

"I feel like I can't... Like I have to be definite right now. I don't understand myself. Maybe I'm non binary just really masculine" I get up off the swings and start to Pace back and forth. "Like maybe I'm he/him they/them?"

"All of the surgeries are so crap too! Like they have so many risks but the results don't seem good enough for me! And what If I'm actually just a girl who is being weird and wants attention i-"

"Lily!" Keith says stopping my spiral. "You don't need the surgeries to be trans....." Keith says. "And you know cis people don't really question their gender..."

My eyes widen and I think about it. "Yeah you're right" I say quietly.

"But if I'm actually a boy the thing is... Im bi. If I don't get surgeries how would that ever work out with any of them? I don't have a dick and I don't want to bottom everyone!" I say feeling embarrassed but it has been a concern of mine.

"Well I'm sure there's ways around it... We can research or something and find a solution. You could always date bi people and you know toys are used a lot these days"

"Yeah... I just... Everytime I see a guy in a relationship with a guy I wish I had that but not as a girl... And then when I see a girl and a guy I start to wish I was the guy there too but the problem is sometimes I wish I was the girl! But is that from being conditioned for years to think like that? I don't even know" I say tiredly. I flop on to my back.

"I don't know what I am" I whisper sadly.

I hear Keith walk over to me and I see him lie down beside me.

"I know you want one, but we might have to put the lable thing on hold till you understand yourself a little more" Keith says smiling.

I feel his fingers slip into mine

"I promise to help you"

I smile at him, feeling myself blush.

"Did I mention my dad is incredibly trans and bi phobic? Cause yeah basically he hates ever aspect of me" I say sighing.

I cried about it a lot I still feel like crying about it but I compose myself.

"That's gonna be a problem... Do you think he'd let you cut your hair?" Keith asks turning over onto his side.

I do the same and we are looking into each other's eyes.

"Yeah he'll say it's a Butch lesbian haircut and laugh because he thinks I'm a lesbian. My mam on the other hand.... No. She likes to pretend she's accepting but she isn't. Shes pretty transphobic too and every other type of phobic... She likes to make the excuse "my best friend is gay so I can say that" a lot..." I explain

"This is a pretty shitty situation then huh?" Keith says laughing

"It really is" I say joining in

It's not a funny thing really but with keith he can make anything funny.

"We can get you a binder some how and maybe buy some boxers? Would that help?", He asks.

I smile and nod.

"Yeah.. it really would"

"Well we can do all that tomorrow right now I need to get some sleep" Keith says yawning.

I laugh

"Sleep is for the weak!!!" I yell getting up and jumping in the air.

"Insomniac weirdo!" He says giggling.

"Before we go... what do you want your name to be?" Keith asks

I smile and stop jumping about. I'd thought about it a lot and I've picked a name.

"Lance. I like lance"

And that's part 1!!!!
Not much angst but yeH!!!

I'll make it angstier as I go!
Also yeah I'm back but it will still take me tie to get parts out because yeahhhh..... Stufffssss but I'm gonna try my hardest and put out stuff asap!!!

Enjoy!
-fox