Lean on me when you're not strong
I'll be your friend, I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need somebody to lean on.
-Bill Withers
°Camila°
"August you need to wake up." I told Aug as I tried shaking him a little.
Between my nerves and the baby, I could not sleep at all. All I could and wanted to do was make sure August was ok and get to the bottom of last night events.
"Hmmm?" He replied with his eyes still closed.
I stared down at him for a moment.
"Wake up. It's almost three in the afternoon."
He just laid there in the same position.
"You have 20 minutes to get up, shower and come downstairs. If I have to bring my fat ass back up here I promise you won't like what's going to happen.
-
I turned the turkey sausage links over and stirred my pot of grits as I added a little salt, pepper, cheese and a small amount of butter.
I listened as August finally made his way down the steps.
Instead of coming into the kitchen, he went and sat in the living room.
"August will you come in here please."
He slowly stepped into the kitchen and flopped on one of the barstools with his head down on the kitchen island.
"Will you lift your head up?" I asked sliding him a cup of pedialyte just in case he may of had a hangover.
I could hear him taking a deep breath.
I knew I was getting on his nerves but after what went on last night, I really didn't care.
"You want turkey sausage or bacon?"
"I ain' hungry." He mumbled.
"Alright. I'll give you both then."
After making both of our plates and drinks I decided not to sit down.
"You feeling ok?"
"Yeah."
"Need anything?"
"No."
Not wanting to spoil what appetite I did have, I decided it'd be better to just eat and deal with the situation later.
After a few moments of eating in silence, it was time to get to the real point.
"What was last night?"
"It wasn't nothin'."
I finished chewing and swallowed.
"So you call putting a loaded gun to your head and in your mouth nothing? You call trying to take your life away nothing?"
I repeated making sure I was hearing this right.
"Camila can we just eat?"
He was doing what he always did when there was a problem...ignore it and act like nothing happened but with this particular situation, none of that was happening today.
I could no longer hide my frustration. Watching him have no emotion or care in the world, just blank was killing me inside.
"Why are you sitting here like this is a game August? You almost fucking killed yourself with my gun, right in front of me! That blood would've been on my hands, literally and sit here and say it was nothing?"
I squealed as I struggled to get all my words out through my closing throat.
Finally, he looked me in the eyes.
"Now you concerned about a nigga? When I was on my knees begging yo ass for some help and what you do?"
"I did that to show you how strong you can be. I wanted you to have faith in yourself. You were losing it and you know it so don't even try and throw that in my face....I swear it's like I love you more than you love yourself...."
"I knew I shouldn't have let you go last night. At this point, I don't understand how you couldn't possibly see how these people arent your friends. They know what you're going through and yet they still dragging you down and using you!"
"Camila calm down..."
"No August. I'm sick of this shit and fuck them. I don't want them speaking to me, I definitely don't want them in my house nor around me. They don't care about you, they don't care about me and they obviously could give two fucks about our daughter so there's no need in them being in our lives."
"It's not just they faults either..this was bound to happen. All this shit was a test and I failed...I failed you, my family...myself." I could see the hurt in August eyes, that same blank stare I got last night.
"Who were you with?" I questioned.
He looked hesitant.
"A few of the guys, some are clientele, Ty....and Mariah."
"Ty went out with you and let this shit go on?"
"No. Ty was there for a lil while, he even tried to get me to leave at first when he saw how uncomfortable I was in the beginning. He chilled with me for a few, making sure I was good before leaving. Lani called and said she was taking Tj to the ER cause he was running a fever."
"Oh my god..." Was all I could really say.
"I came here cause I wanted to at least say goodbye. When my gun jammed the first time I took that as a sign that if I was going to kill myself then at least not be a coward and just leave."
I could believe what I was hearing right now
August took a deep breath as he continued to stare at me deeply with regret in his eyes.
"I'm tired of being a let down, all my life I been that. Ion' never feel like what I do is enough...I prayed for the day I could call you my fiancé, wife, mother of my child and what I do when I have all that shit in my life finally? I threw it all away..."
I didn't speak but stared back at a testy August. I knew he had probably had all of this weighing on his heart for a long time now and I just wanted him to finally express how he felt and get it off his shoulders finally.
"I was so scared that I would let you down Camila...let my seed down and I felt like I really couldn't come and talk to you because you would think less of me if I told you how I was feeling...so I turned to the bottle instead, not realizing the damage I was doing at first."
"We've been through so much August and the fact that you say you don't feel comfortable confiding in me...that really hurts. Through whatever and at end of the day, you're my best friend first and foremost."
"I know and I'm sorry.... you just don't know how it feels to have to put on this mask...and looking at yourself everyday in the mirror knowing the real you and feeling like shit....I can't do this no more, I rather be dead then to continue to live like this."
"August that's so selfish of you...you have so many people who love you and are counting on you. Did you once think about Peyton and how crushed he would be had that gun not jammed? You're his whole man...it kills him to not see you on a daily basis so think about what it'll do for a lifetime?"
August's head dropped low.
All I could do was try to comfort and embrace him, I knew there was nothing I could say that would change a thing.
It was painful to see him like this, so low, exhausted and defeated. Aug slowly unclenches his fist and wraps his long arms tightly around me as his tears soak through my shirt. Never had I seen my friend so low before, and we've been through some shit...a lot of shit.
At this point he was hyperventilating...
"Calm down...breathe.." I reassured him.
I watched as he did what I said. He was stuck between finally letting his emotions out all while trying to hold on to what pride and dignity he had left.
Picking his head up and looking into his swollen red and sad eyes I spoke, "This is way bigger than you August and I'm sorry I didn't realize that before you...you're fighting demons baby and you need help, professional help. You know I'm willing to be there with you every step of the way but I need to know that you're serious first..."
He blinked a few times, I'm ready, I'm promise you I am."
