Try

Chapter 24: Our own strong passionate love

"I feel as if I'm dead. I'm not alive. I'm here physically, but not mentally. I feel that I'm just drifting." I said.

I'm in one of my weekly therapy sessions.

"Well Shana, that's typically normal. You're under a lot of stress. Plus, I'm sure you're still traumatized. I suggest just staying away from anything that stresses you. Do some breathing exercise or something that allows you to calm down" My therapist says.

"I'm trying. Right now, life is stressing me. How can I possible run away from myself? I can't run and I can't hide. I can't just say 'ok life. I can't do you right now. Can you just magically poof away and be gone? ok thanks'. No! I freaking can't. I have a child to look after that is in my stomach. I can't just give up. I have to keep pressing. I have to keep living. How do I just isolate myself and put myself in a bubble"? I rambled on.

"Calm down. Maybe you should move in with a relative or something. All the stress you're under could cause pre mature labor, which could cause problems for your baby. Just relax. If you need to just chill and talk to God, do it. Don't just bottle up your feelings. I'm the long run, that's what you're doing. Which is causing your stress. You are juggling all these issues, yet you're still a child. Just relax. Take a vacation. Do something where all you have to think about is you. Ok?" My therapist explained.

"Ok. Thanks." I said.

"I'll see you next week!" My therapist called out.

I hate going to the therapist honestly. It just makes me feel like I'm some unstable person in society. I mean how I really supposed to just run away from my problems?

But, I do think moving away for the last few months of my pregnancy would be great.

Luke and I are still together. I always feel like a bad girlfriend. I'm too afraid to do what normal couples do. Even though I knew Luke wouldn't do it to me, I'm still terrified of men.

I'm really scared of men. I'm always afraid that they're all rapists just waiting to get me. It doesn't help either that my baby's father is a rapist. And he claims to be in love with me.

Anyways, I am just going to try to think positive thoughts. My baby is healthy. I feel the kicks. I don't know the sex yet, but I guess it's a boy based on how hard the kicks are.

I go to the doctor in a few days to find out the sex. I'm really excited. I don't know if I want a baby girl or boy. All I know is that I'm ready to be a great mom, and be there for my kid.

Shana

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I love her. A lot.  Her child is my child.  I'm going to raise him or her as my own. 

A lot of people think I'm crazy for loving a pregnant woman. I am in love.  Who cares if she has a child?  I want her to know I ain't going anywhere. I am going to be right here for her.

Today,  we are going baby shopping.  We are going to buy a few unisex things at Babies 'R' Us. Then,  I am going to take her to the park.  There's a little charity concert going on.

I always try to be considerate of my baby. I know she's going through a lot. I know she feels bad for not being affectionate.  But,  I realize that she is traumatized, and in time,  we can have a strong passionate love going on.

Our own strong passionate love.