The Alpha's Heart

Confessions

I sighed again rubbing my aching forehead. Jaxon. This is all his fault, he just couldn't let me go. Damn it. Stop thinking about him. I'm glad Salem showed up when he did or I would've let Jaxon have his way. It was just so hard for me to resist. He looked so helpless and I didn't like seeing him like that, I wanted to make him feel good not knock him down. Isn't that what a mate's for? To help, love, protect, cherish? And what was I doing? Nothing, but bringing him pain. What kind of mate am I?

"Kandice!" Maria screamed, snapping her fingers in front of my face. "Are you even listenin' to me, chica?"

I sighed and looked up at her, "Sorry just got a lot on my mind, Booh. What did you say?"

She rolled her eyes, "I said we're about to go see Miles. Are you coming?" She asked, her hands on her hips.

"Oh, yeah. Sure." I said biting my lip.

She sighed looking into my eyes, "Just tell me what's wrong, chica. You know I'm here for you, right ma?"

I sighed, smiled softly at her. "I know, Booh, but it's nothing." She just stared at me blankly, waiting. I stared back.

"You ain't leavin' until you tell me what's wrong." She stated, not blinking once.

I sighed knowing that she would always win. "Just promise me you won't think I'm a bad person." I asked desperate to know if I would keep my new best friend.

She frowned, confused. "I promise, ma."

Looking into her eyes, I could see no signs of distrust. So I told her. Everything.

After I was finished, we both had tears gliding down our cheeks. Maria hugged me tight to her, "I can't believe you were raped." She hiccuped. "You were just a little girl. My parents would've killed them."

I laughed shakily, "Believe me. They wanted to. My dad could barely sleep at night. He was always so worried. It took forever for me to convice him I was okay, but he never really let it go."

"And Micheal, you guys were together for 3 years then he decides to cheat on you with your best friend!" She said flinging her arms out to the sides. "What an asshole. And right before your birthday!" She looked at me sadly, "Then you lost your parents. I can see how this mess with Jaxon has got you all crazy."

"I don't know what to do." I said throwing myself on my bed. "I just can't take anymore hurt right now. It's so hard." I said tears refilling my eyes. "But it's not just I don't wanna be hurt anymore. I just don't wanna lose him, too." I said finally admitting it to myself. I didn't want to lose Jaxon, he was my mate. I wanted him to be safe and happy. I don't think he would be safe with me. It seems like I always lose the ones I love the most. My mom, my dad, my brother, Micheal, my pack, my whole family. I lost them all and I just don't want to lose Jaxon. I would die if anything happened to him because of me. My wolf whimpered at the thought of anything happening to him.

"Mommy, you should just give him a chance. You won't regret it, I promise. It's like the most amazing thing in the world to have your mate in your life. When I met Wes, it was like my whole world brightened and he was the sun. When your mate touches you, holds you, kisses you, you know that you could never live without them. They are the ones holding you to the ground when there's no gravity, they're the ones willing to go through Hell and back to be with you. You would do anything for him, risk anything to be able to breathe the air they breathe. Your mate will love you 'til Hell freezes over, 'til you take your last breath. He will be there, ma. Your mate. Give him a chance, I promise it will be the best thing you ever do."

I was holding back more tears by the time she finished. I felt horrible. I was hurting him, I was making his life hell and all because I was scared. Scared of falling in love again, scared of being hurt, scared of losing him, scared of everything. I always tried to be strong, but now I just couldn't cover my true feelings. I should of known better. My parents always told me there were certain things out there that you had to forget and people to forgive. There was nothing for me to forgive Jaxon for. He had never hurt me. I was just being selfish and taking my feelings out on things that had nothing to do with why I was so upset. I was happy I found my mate, sad I lost everyone I loved, I hated the stupid rouge that ruined my life and took my joy, I loved my new pack. Remembering what my parents said made me regret a lot of things. I was mad at Micheal and Netti when we were attacked and I regretted it now because I didn't know if they were dead or alive. Things like death make you realize how stupid you were and selfish. I was being selfish by hanging on to all the hurt and self pity I've been feeling. I never meant to hurt anyone, but now I've hurt the one that I was suppossed care for most in this world. Jaxon.